I met the Scottish Widow in the park today. She's actually not a widow at all,
nor is she Scottish. "The Scottish Widow" is a young Polish model used by the
Scottish Widows insurance company. Like most of the models I've met, she wasn't
that attractive; she seemed rather chunky and ill-formed.
As it turns out, she's suffering from the side effects of an unsuccessful
medical experiment. In order to achieve the currently popular "pillow lips"
look, she had haggis extracts injected into her lower lip "and certain other
places." (I didn't ask.) She said the haggis extracts had "certain unpleasant
side effects." (Again, I didn't ask.) She said the experiment was worth it; she
attributed her lucrative contract to the Scots' inscrutable attraction to