| | - 22 January 1997
- Almost One Hundred and Thirty-Five Years of Different Daily Close-faced Cheese (Lacto-vegetarian) Sandwich Possibilities
- I. Three types of cheese: brie, cheddar, Swiss
II. Two states of cheese: sliced, melted III. Three types of bread: black, white, whole wheat (brown) IV. Two states of bread: fresh, toasted V. Four types of vegetables: cucumber, lettuce, tomato, onion VI. Three types of condiments: mayonnaise, mustard, relish, ketchup (catsup)  - 23 January 1997
- How Big Is It?
- It's the size thing again: people always want to know. And so I'll answer: if the surface area of all the cabling that today comprises the Internet was as large as this page, the earth would only be as large as this period (full stop): .
- 24 January 1997
- Cookie Eclipse
- My young pseudo-nephew Joe wanted to know what an eclipse was, so I demonstrated the visible effects by biting off different sized pieces of his cookies.
"Hey, you're eating all my cookies!" he protested. I think I taught him an important lesson. - 25 January 1997
- Practical Urination Considerations
- I'm always amazed that I have my best ideas while urinating. (That fact alone is ample justification for drinking a lot.) The catalyst for today's insight was good manners. I was visiting John, and asked about the toilet flushing policy at his new home.
"That's tough," John admitted, "use your judgment." Upon reflection, I determined that the primary consideration for toilet aesthetics is opacity. A dozen drunks pissing popular American beer (almost water to begin with) won't make much of a perceptible impact, whereas a dozen vegans at an asparagus and beet banquet is quite another story. (It is, however, a story I shan't relate.) John agreed with my idea to put a light meter in the toilet that would sense when to flush. We didn't get much further with the project, though, for neither of us wanted to put our light meter in the toilet. We drank more beer instead. - 26 January 1997
- The Godfather Triumphs
- James Brown sang Sex Machine during the half-time show of the most popular American sports broadcast. This surely must represent some kind of progress.
- 27 January 1997
- Idiotic Semantics
- I once used the words "moron," "imbecile" and "idiot" interchangeably. After checking with The New Columbia Encyclopedia, however, I realize that I was quite mistaken. Someone with an IQ of from zero (?!) to twenty-five is an idiot, an imbecile's IQ ranges from twenty-six to fifty, and a moron has an IQ of between fifty-one and seventy. (Unfortunately, The New Columbia Encyclopedia doesn't provide any IQ stats for the more familiar states of "shit-fer-brains," "one taco shy of a combination plate," et cetera.)
I shall have to be more careful the next time I insult someone. - 28 January 1997
- Cremation
- I asked Chris about her strange appearance.
"It's all over with Pat and me, so I burned all the photographs that showed us together." She had made a paste of the ashes and rubbed them around her mouth; the effect was quite striking.
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©1997 David Glenn Rinehart
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