I feel sorry for the frustrated airport racers, careening endlessly around the same small arena year after year. Unrewarded speed must be a continual frustration.

They're just driving around in speedy speedy circles, like rats in a box.

I found myself wishing that the engine on my side of the plane would catch on fire so I could run up the aisle to the cockpit and report that the engine was ablaze. I'd probably just say, "the engine on the copilot's side of the plane is spewing flames." (I still don't know port from starboard.)

That's when the fun would start. The pilots would be so busy finding a way to safely land the crippled jet that they probably wouldn't bother to send me back to my seat.

Now that, unlike this tediously uneventful flight, would be exciting!

I mounted my three computer monitors on the ceiling as an experiment. It didn't work.

My largest monitor reminded me that I'm not a very accomplished carpenter by falling off the ceiling into a plate of pasta. There was too much broken glass to salvage the meal; at least I'd finished the last of the wine before the crash. Still, it was a tragic waste of pesto.

My inquiry yielded one other unambiguous result. My neck is very sore.

I don't think I'm any smarter than when I started.

After taking such a firm stand, Morrie said he couldn't shave his beard, which he still has not. That is, he has not shaved his beard; he still has it.

The following day at work, the boss offered Morrie twenty dollars to shave off his beard. Morrie recalls, "I probably said something heroic and stupid, like, 'My beard is not for sale.' "

After taking such a firm stand, Morrie said he couldn't shave his beard, which he still has.

I thought Morrie might have an honorable--or at least unimpeachable--way of shaving off his beard. If his boss was dead, I figured, he'd never know that Morrie had finally shaved off his beard.

I said that to Morrie, and here's what he told me.

The boss gave his son a camera. The boss's son photographed a plane that ran out of fuel and crashed near his home. It was only after he'd made the photograph that he discovered that his father--now the late boss--was on the plane.

I don't think Morrie will ever shave off his beard. Ever.

She suggested it might be more plausible if she claimed to be his daughter. We debated sister versus daughter for a while, then decided the most profitable strategy would be to claim she was both. After all, that's the kind of story the tabloids love to publish.

Where does the butter come from?
Where does the butter come from?
Where does the butter come from?
It comes from the udder!

Where does the butter come from?
Where does the butter come from?
Where does the butter come from?
It comes from our mother!

"If you can tolerate country and western 'music,' then you'll love good music," she advised.

She was right:

• Albino Toilet Boys
• Alcoholocaust
• Alcoholics Unanimous
• Apocalypse Hoboken
• Armageddon Dildos
• The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
• Band Over
• Band That Shot Liberty Valence
• Barbara's Bush
• Bleau Chunks
• Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggets
• The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
• The Boxing Ghandis
• Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
• Breakfast in Beruit
• Bulimia Banquet
• Buster Hymen and the Penetrators
• Caltransvestites
• Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
• Carnage Asada
• Cindy Brady's Lisp
• Cortizone Five
• Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death
• The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
• The Dead Sea Squirrels
• The Dead Kennedys
• The Dick Clarks
• The Dick Nixons
• Drunks With Guns
• e. coli
• Edith Head
• Electric Prostates
• Engorged Members
• Ethyl Merman
• Fearless Iranians From Hell
• Fields of Shit
• '57 Lesbian
• The Four-Skins
• The Four Nikators
• Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
• The French are from Hell
• Fromage d'Amour
• Gefelte Joe and the Fish
• Gonoreagan
• Headless Marines
• Hell Camino
• Herpes Cineplex
• Hindu Garage Sale
• HIV and the Positives
• Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
• Hornets Attack Victor Mature
• Impaled Nazarenes
• Inhale Mary
• Invertebrates
• Janitors Against Apartheid
• Jehovah's Waitresses
• Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
• Jesus Christ Super Fly
• Jesus Chrysler Supercar
• JFKFC
• Jonestown Punch
• Kathleen Turner Overdrive
• Kerrigan's Knees
• Lack of Afro
• Lawn Piranhas
• The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
• Lee Harvey Keitel
• Lesbian Ninjas
• Louder Than God
• Mao Tse Helen
• Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
• Max Roach and the Holders
• Meat Curtains
• Minnie Pearl's Jam
• Mr. Happy and the Genocides
• Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
• Nervous Christians and the Lions
• Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
• Not Drowning, Waving
• Pabst Smear
• Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
• Penis DeMilo
• Pepto Dismal
• Phenobarbidols
• Phlegm Fatale
• Poultry in Motion
• Pretentious Flamedogs
• Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
• Psycho Sluts from Hell
• Pungent Frustration
• Purple Headed Love Warriors
• Raging Pimps of Doom
• Rectal Nightmare
• Reluctant Stereotypes
• Reserectum
• Results of Inbreeding
• Retarted Elf
• Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
• Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
• Sandy Duncan's Eye
• Screaming Headless Torsos
• Screaming Iguanas of Love
• Screaming Moist Accountants
• Septic Death
• Seven Year Bitch
• The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
• Shirley Temple of Doom
• Shirley Temple Pilots
• Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
• Skeptic Tank
• Smorgasborgnine
• Solosex
• The Sound of Munich
• Spastic Colon
• The Sphinctones
• Stiff Richards
• Stukas Over Bedrock
• Swingin' Johnsons
• Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
• The Telephony Bandits of Doom
• Temporary Darkening of the Stool
• Testostertones
• Thank God We're Immortal
• To Live and Shave in LA
• Toxic Shock and the Tampons
• Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
• Tragic Mulatto
• Trotsky Icepick
• Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
• Unstoppable Kamikaze Iditos
• Vaginal Davis
• The Velcro Pygmies
• Vic Morrow's Head
• The Well Hungarians
• Willie Nelson Mandela
• Zombies Under Stress
• Zulu Leprechauns