- 5 March 2002
- No. 6,366 (cartoon)
- Its very cold.
Tell me something I dont know.
- 6 March 2002
- The Dark, Dark, Grey Universe
- Earlier this year, astronomers concluded that the average color of the universe is something slightly greener than pale turquoise.
Those same astronomers recently announced that they had made a huge mistake. According to the story I heard, the astronomers came up with the incorrect answer using free software gleaned from the Internet. (Im not sure whether the softwares programmers or the software users were responsible for the farce.)
The average color of the universe is beige, not turquoise. Although I generally ignore colors, beige is close enough to grey for me. I bet if some competent astronomers ever get a good reading on the universe, theyll discover that it is grey. Dark, dark, grey.
- 7 March 2002
- Mobile Guillotine
- I rarely read newspapers; thats a mistake. Newspapers have lots of tiny spaces between ads, room for little stories that wont fit into long radio broadcasts.
For example, today I read that San Francisco police arrested a man with a guillotine mounted in the back of his truck. The man was about to commit a particularly grisly suicide. Hed parked his truck at the apex of Hyde Street, and was positioning himself under his guillotine when the police arrived. Had the cops lingered over just one more doughnut and arrived a few minutes later, the mans head would have bounced and rolled down the steepest part of Hyde Street and ended up among the perpetually bewildered tourists that haunt Fishermans Wharf.
San Francisco is full of crazy people.
- 8 March 2002
- English Aint Easy
- I read that a distraught woman in Georgia couldnt verify the authenticity of her brothers cremains, or cremated remains. A business executive reportedly instructed his underlings to conversate more with clients. And the president of the United States has coined a new word, misunderestimate, but nevertheless seems incapable of pronouncing the word nuclear.
English certainly aint easy.
- 9 March 2002
- The Literature of Tomorrow Today
- A large chain of bookstores is advertising that its outlets are featuring the literature of tomorrow today.
I dont think that featuring the literature of tomorrow today is a good idea. Sure, I suppose I could read tomorrows literature today, but then what would I read tomorrow? Tomorrow, having read todays literature yesterday, all Id have to read then is yesterdays literature. On the other hand, theres all sorts of great literature from many, many yesterdays that I have yet to read. On the other hand, should I die tonight, today will be my very last chance to read tomorrows literature.
And now Im running out of hands.
- 10 March 2002
- Easy Meat
- My grandfather, Rosco, was a great cook. Rosco, who died nearly a quarter of a century ago, always enjoyed telling the story of one of the first meals he ever prepared for me. According to Rosco, he cooked an animal to the point that its meat lost all structural integrity. I must have appreciated the texture; Rosco reported that I made several requests for more easy meat. (I cant remember the event at all, so Ill have to take Roscos word for it.)
I thought of my apocryphal meal today when I saw a lovely studio photograph of a baby rhinoceros made with a large-format camera and flattering lighting.
Baby? Endangered species? Easy meat.
- 11 March 2002
- Hot n Evil Noodles
- Sophie called me after yesterdays brunch and asked me for the recipe for my infamous Hot n Evil Noodles.
No problem, I replied. Just cook up a mess of noodles, then add a sauce made from peanut butter, raw garlic, sesame oil, soy sauce, and lots of peppers.
How much of each? Sophie asked.
Just combine the ingredients in pleasing proportions, I suggested. Life is too short to measure peanut butter.
- 12 March 2002
- Like a Bald Man Eating Hair
- William appeared to be quite drunk when I met him at the bar.
Would it be fair to say that youve already had more than a little bit to drink? I asked.
Well, William replied slowly, I may be somewhat intoxicated, but Im not precisely inebriated.
I didnt want to examine the subtle differences between intoxication and inebriation, so I was glad when the bartender arrived.
Id like a pint of Pheasant Plucker, please, I requested.
It may be time to sober up, William announced. Ill have some black coffee.
I think youd be better off with a beer, the bartender recommended. Drinking coffee to sober up is like a bald man eating hair.
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©2002 David Glenn Rinehart