- 5 November 2002
- No. 9,530 (cartoon)
- How can I tell if Im dead?
I was afraid of that.
- 6 November 2002
- The Grim Election News
- Yesterday, the greedy, spineless conservatives in the American Republican party defeated the spineless, greedy conservatives in the American Democratic party in national elections. The triumph of the greater of two evils sent Walter into a foul froth.
Id say big money won the election yesterday, wouldnt you? Walter asked. And dont you think the war mongers and corporate crooks who paid for yesterdays victories are rubbing their fat, greasy hands in glee now that theyve installed their stooges in public office? Can you believe how stupid people are to have voted for the very idiots who are shredding their constitution and turning the country into a police state? And wouldnt it be fair to say that ...
Hang on, I interrupted. Youve just used up your quota of rhetorical questions. The answers are yes, yes, and yes; care for a beer?
I assume thats a rhetorical question, Walter grumbled.
- 7 November 2002
- Texas Isnt What It Used to Be
- This is the first time Ive been in Texas since the last time I was in Texas. I cant believe Ive been away for six years; these Texans are a hoot! Those hilarious accents! Those women with improbably big hair! And all those big, yellow pickup trucks!
But under the familiar, ridiculous façade, Texas is not what it used to be.
After Gregg picked me up to the airport, I asked him for a corkscrew to open one of the bottles of wine I brought from San Francisco.
Cant do that, Im afraid, Gregg said.
And neither can I, I replied. Those airline idiots wouldnt let me take my Swiss Army knife on the plane. Wheres yours?
Right here, Gregg replied, but thats not the point. Last year, Texas politicians outlawed drinking alcoholic beverages in a moving vehicle.
I didnt know what to say. Years ago, it was legal here in Texas for both the driver and passengers to drink while driving, as well as fire guns from a moving vehicle. Although I think its only prudent and sensible for drivers to concentrate on driving without the distractions of drinking and target practice, I was shocked to hear that passengers now have to endure the seared, barren monotony of the Texas landscape without even a cold beer for mild respite.
Like most things, Texas isnt what it used to be.
- 8 November 2002
- Rebels I Wouldnt Understand
- Elliot took me to my first Texas high school football game tonight, and Im still in shock.
Why is this twelve-thousand seat stadium called The Hawkville I.S.D. [Independent School District] Fine Arts/Athletic Complex? I asked.
Some sort of scam to get a majority taxpayers to vote to pay for it, Elliot explained. You wouldnt believe it, but there are some folks hereYankees, mostly, I reckonthat dont like football. I think theres a room in back of the press box where kids make collages, do fingerpainting, that sort of thing.
The children from Hawkville High School were attired in various forms of clothing featuring iconography from the American Confederacy. Many of the kids wore shirts featuring the slogan, Rebel Tradition ... You Wouldnt Understand!
They were correct.
I saw a young, black woman earnestly screaming Go rebels! during the game. I was disturbed and confused until I saw the words DADA Supreme stitched on the back of her satin jacket. DADA Supreme, absolutely.
And then there were the Hawkville Dixie Belles, teenage girls wearing identical, bizarre costumes, something like a Texan synthesis of Japanese schoolgirl fetish outfits, Junior Daughters of the Confederacy, and the Follies Bourgeoisie. The audience seemed deeply appreciative when the girls kicked their white cowboy boots high in the air to lift their miniskirts and reveal their rebel-red underwear.
And why were other girls in long, black, velvet dresseswith a long slit up the sidetwirling fake, plywood rifles painted glossy white?
I do not understand rebel tradition.
- 9 November 2002
- A Question You Just Dont Ask
- I had lunch at Pistol Petes All-You-Can-Eat Tasty Tacos and Texas Taters Restaurant today. The tacos were neither tasty nor tacos, and I doubt that the Texas Taters shared even the smallest strand of DNA with any common potato. Pete, however, was in fact armed.
I knew I didnt fit in when a small boy came up to my table and asked me, Hey, mister, you from Texas? Before I could come up with an answer, the boys father approached me and apologized for his sons behavior.
No problem, I replied. Seemed like a reasonable question to me.
The man didnt reply. As the pair walked away, I heard the father gently reprimand his son.
Boy, you never ask a man if hes from Texas. If he is, hell tell you, he explained. And if he aint, you shouldnt embarrass him.
- 10 November 2002
- Cheeseburgers and Pills!
- Ive never cared much for Elvis Presleys music, but Ive always admired his way of life. Anyone who blasts televisions with a handgun earns my respect. For years, Ive been composing a musical tribute to Elvis, but, in an extraordinarily persistent case of writers block, I havent been able to get past the first four lines.
Cheeseburgers and pills,
Cheeseburgers and pills,
Thats how I get my thrills,
Cheeseburgers and pills!
- Some people claim theres more to life than cheeseburgers and pills. I, for one, disagree.
- 11 November 2002
- Another Story of Stupidity
- Sixty-one hear old James F. Welles, Ph. D., of Pompano Beach, Florida was taken into custody after allegedly trying to arrange sex with a fifteen-year old girl over the Internet. Authorities nabbed the author after he arranged to meet girlwho turned out to be an undercover male detectiveat a restaurant. Welles was later released on fifty-thousand dollars bail after being charged with soliciting a minor over the Internet.
We cant be lovey-dovey in public, Welles allegedly wrote. Thus he reportedly suggested the ever-popular and romantic idea of having sex in the back of a car. Bottom line, he added, Im committing a crime.
Ordinarily, this would be just another sad story of a pathetic, stupid old man except for one delightful twist. Welles is the author of The Story of Stupidity and Understanding Stupidity.
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©2002 David Glenn Rinehart