- 12 February 2006
- No. 7,521 (cartoon)
- I couldnt tell you how much I love you, even with a hundred tongues.
If you had a hundred tongues, theyd all lie.
- 13 February 2006
- Nora Barnacles Impenetrable Spouse
- When I visited Andy in his apartment, I was struck by the grimy, worn copy of James Joyces Ulysses. Curiously, that appeared to be the only book he owns.
That book was there a couple of years ago, I observed. Arent you done with it yet?
No, Andy replied, and I never will; its impenetrable. The only reason I havent thrown it away is that I leaf through it when Im watching really trashy television. That way I dont feel quite so dirty.
I like Joyce, but not for his writing. Ive never read a word hes written and probably never will. What I like about Joyce is his choice of a spouse. Had it not been for Joyce, I doubt I would have ever heard Nora Barnacles name.
- 14 February 2006
- On VD
- According to traditional Catholic lore, the feast of Saint Valentine has traditionally been celebrated on 14 February in honor of a third-century martyr whose head was cut off with a chainsaw (or something like that). Today is also the anniversary for the St. Valentines Day massacre in Chicago, the bombing of Dresden during the second world war, and the death of the first cloned sheep, Dolly.
Its like Ernest Hemingway observed, If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it.
- 15 February 2006
- Argument with Andrea Revisited
- I was in the middle of an inane debate with Andrea when I announced that I was struck by a sense of déjà vu.
Thats probably because weve had this argument before, she confirmed.
Assuming thats true, I continued, then who won?
I did, Andrea replied, after you conceded your specious argument of no merit was specious and of no merit.
Im glad you remembered, I said cheerfully, now we can argue about something else.
- 16 February 2006
- A Thoroughly Modern Suicide
- Elaines friend Frank killed himself a few days ago; she sent me a copy of the suicide note he posted on the Internet.
Dear friends and voyeurs,
When I awoke this morning, I realized my life couldnt possibly get any better. I thought about it, then decided to quit while I was ahead. I had to take advantage of this perfect opportunity; that didnt leave time for any farewells. I apologize for the form letter; it wont happen again. (Sorry; I couldnt sign off without a bad joke.) It was fun while it lasted; thanks.
- Elaine was understandably upset, so I didnt tell her that I thought Frank was an inconsiderate idiot. I think there are a number of valid reasons for ending ones life, but feeling good isnt one of them.
- 17 February 2006
- Dubious Laughter Therapy
- I read that retired Colonel James L. Scottie Scott has been on a personal mission to promote laughter therapy to help American National Guard and Army Reserve families cope with their loved ones being deployed to murderous hellholes around the world.
Its so terrific, claims Scott. You cant think about anything else when youre laughing which is why its such a natural stress management tool that totally clears stress.
Unfortunately, the news report I read didnt provide any examples of his alleged humor.
Dont worry, folks, I can imagine him saying. All our soldiers work as a team; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. [Giggles and chortles.] Our troops all use the best equipment, although, come to think of it, I suppose it was all provided by the lowest bidder. [Loud, sustained laughter.]
I shall have to watch the calendar and see if Scotts doing any performances around San Francisco. It could be a good show, since if one can laugh at the carnage of war one can laugh at anything.
So anyway, a blind suicide bomber walks into the canteen ...
- 18 February 2006
- Noseless Women
- Decades ago I remembered reading about a philosopher who posited that god exists because women have noses. Or something like that; its been a long time since I formally studied philosophy. In any case, the proposition went something like this: a woman without a nose would be a horrible thing, and, since women have noses, there must be a supreme being. Or something like that.
Some time after that, I was in a bus station in Wyoming when I saw a woman with no nose. Even worse than that, there was a bright, white bandage in the middle of her face where her nose should have been. I was too shy to ask her if she believed in some flavor of supreme being.
I hadnt given too much thought to noseless women until yesterday, when I heard about the sad story of Jody Bennett in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She arrived at the dinner table with a napkin over her face. It turns out that Greg Hill, her boyfriend, allegedly bit off her nose.
A friend of mine was romantically involved with a man in Oklahoma. I never met him, but he seemed like a nice guy. In any case, shes since moved to Oregon. Thats always a good move.
Corporal Shane Tuell said medical personnel advised against pumping the suspects stomach for evidence. They said, given the acid in the stomach, that it would be a futile effort to try and do that, the policeman reported.
I wonder if Bennett believes in god? I wonder about that, but not too much.
- 19 February 2006
- Mission Image Strategy
- Kurt took a look at my torn shirt, ill-fitting pants, and dirty boots, and chided me for not paying attention to my appearance.
I am, I replied. Im headed over to the Mission for a burrito.
Whats that have to do anything? Kurt asked.
A lot of those little gangsters are carrying guns, I explained. I try to look unimportant in case theyre low on ammunition; they may not want to waste a bullet on me.
Thats nonsense, Kurt said.
I think the evidence speaks for itself, I concluded, I havent been shot yet.
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©2006 David Glenn Rinehart