- 15 May 2006
- No. 7,793 (cartoon)
- I can inveigle anyone I please.
You please no one.
- 16 May 2006
- Oxygen and the Refreshing Smell of Japanese Girls Underwear
- I heard a report on the radio today that chain stores in Japan will soon offer canisters of oxygen for sale.
People are under a lot of stress and cant get much exercise, so they arent getting enough oxygen, explained company spokesman Minoru Matsumoto. This is especially true of people who do long hours of desk work in front of a computer. They dont breathe that deeply.
Initially, the company will offer O2 Supli in two flavors, peppermint and grapefruit. Since a can of some thirty-five doses will cost less than six dollars, industry observers are predicting commercial success.
I anticipate that peppermint and grapefruit will prove to be unwise choices; heres why.
Peppermint and grapefruit are generic flavors, and not particularly Japanese. Looking at Japanese vending machines, its easy to spot a particularly, peculiarly Japanese scent: previously-worn schoolgirls underwear. Anyone can buy them from refrigerated vending machines, but then what? In claustrophobically-crowded Japan, there just arent that many places one can anonymously sniff girls dirty knickers.
The solution is obvious: canned oxygen with the scent adolescent girls undergarments. What pathetic salaryman wouldnt pay good yen for such a stimulating break?
- 17 May 2006
- No Improvement Today
- Dr. Batlan is giving me another well-intentioned harangue on how I should work harder to improve myself. I kept my mouth shut as long as I could, and then I had to rebut his nonsensical admonitions.
If I wanted to better myself, I said, Id read more of what Ive written.
Thats like eating your own vomit, Dr. Batlan replied after a long, thoughtful pause.
Vomits rich in vitamins and nutrients, I observed.
Youre just trying to annoy me, Dr. Batlan protested.
I am not really trying to annoy you; its actually effortless, I corrected.
Fortunately, this ridiculous exchange put an end to Dr. Batlans interminable diatribe.
- 18 May 2006
- Fertilizer or Sausage?
- Red Lead Ed assured me that he overheard a Mafia guy saying that Jimmy Hoffa had been ground into sausage and, presumably, sold in grocery stores. And now, the FBI is digging up Michigan farms looking for Hoffas remains. I wonder whos right, Red Lead Ed or the FBIs informant?
- 19 May 2006
- No Cold War Stories
- I ran into a retired air force officer in a bar who told me that he was involved in lots of clandestine confrontations with Soviet forces during the Cold War.
I told him my story about being captured in Siberia, but he wasnt impressed.
I could tell you stories that would curl your pubic hair, he boasted.
For example? I asked.
The best stuffs still classified, he said. Well both be dead by the time the juicy dirt gets out.
I suppose hes right. Thats the way history works when it works at all; a lot of the most interesting things stay buried.
- 20 May 2006
- On Winning Fourteen Games of Monopoly
- My computer just beat me playing Monopoly after I won fourteen games in row, four shy of my longest winning streak. Monopolys an elegant game, but Im appalled and ashamed at my lack of imagination in wasting so much time. Im looking forward to getting a new computer later this year. In addition to a welcome speed boost, the new processor cant run the fifteen-year old Monopoly software.
Even though playing Monopoly is a symptom, not a problem, Ill nevertheless be glad to retire it. Good riddance.
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©2006 David Glenn Rinehart