- 5 June 2006
- No. 4,542 (cartoon)
- I havent seen you lately.
Youve never seen me.
- 6 June 2006
- Conrads Mistimed Hexakosioihexekontahexaphilia
- Conrad called early this morning to ask if I was, excited about today.
I suppose Im about as excited as I can be before my Ive had my second double espresso, I replied.
Ill give you a little hint, Conrad said, Im a hexakosioihexekontahexaphiliac.
Call me back after Ive had my coffee, I requested.
Today is the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the millennium, Conrad announced, Six-six-six!
Youre off by a year, I pointed out. 2000 was the first year of the new millennium, so today is six-six-seven.
That doesnt sound right to me, Conrad responded.
Suit yourself, I advised, in any case I really to need to get back to the espresso machine.
I guess Ill call you later, Conrad concluded dejectedly.
He guessed wrong.
- 7 June 2006
- Als Exemplary Death
- Al the guinea pig died yesterday. The day before that he was fine, albeit creaky, and eagerly gnawing on fresh vegetables. And now hes gone.
Since Al was the only guinea pig Ive ever met, Im not sure whether or not he was particularly clever. In any case, Al demonstrated a popular concept in contemporary medicine: compressed morbidity.
Based on the presumption that were all going to die, the premise of compressed morbidity is that we should enjoy a long, healthy life, and have a short, conclusive decline, as opposed to a long, painful, series of debilitating illnesses.
Way to go, Al. I hope I go that way too, cheerfully chomping on carrots the day before I die.
- 8 June 2006
- Inexpensive Modified Banana
- For some reason know only to the grocers at my local store, they sell bananas for nineteen cents each, as opposed to the more common practice of selling them by the kilogram.
I decided to use some simple biological modifications to join three bananas into one. It wasnt hard; I just cut off four of the six tips with my Swiss army knife, then taped the modified pieces together to create one extraordinarily long banana.
The clerk looked confused when I went to pay for my banana, but followed instructions and charged me nineteen cents for the unusual fruit.
Unfortunately, I ran into an unanticipated problem. It turns out that bananas dont have the structural integrity to remain intact at three times their normal length. As a result, the lower third of my grafted(?) fruit ruptured from the gravitational pull. The banana skin split along a seam, revealing traumatized pulp that was actually dripping banana juice.
Banana juice, imagine that! Theres a reason bananas only grow to a certain length.
- 9 June 2006
- Perpetual Summer of Love
- Today, I took a stroll down Haight Street, a San Francisco neighborhood largely known as the part of town where the hippies used to live. (In fact, many of them are still there, perpetually drugged, sitting on the same curbs in the same clothes they were wearing in 1969.)
As I approached the Ashbury Street intersection, I overheard a middle-aged man admonish a young man, You just dont go knocking down doors and shooting people.
I know that, the young man replied indignantly.
Overhearing that snippet of conversation cheered me up; its reassuring to know that the spirit of peace and love continues to be passed down from generation to generation.
- 10 June 2006
- Comfortably Predictable Photograph
- This afternoon, I found myself standing on the roof of a bleak warehouse in Oakland surveying a desolate industrial landscape through a fence topped with barbed wire.
I couldnt resist making a comfortably predictable photograph, so I didnt. I didnt resist, that is, and made a nice little photograph that Ill never look at again.
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©2006 David Glenn Rinehart