- 2 July 2006
- No. 2,314 (cartoon)
- Im the arrow and youre the bulls eye.
Youre the bullshit.
- 3 July 2006
- Another Apology
- After almost a decade since my last apology, Im afraid its again time for another mea culpa. And so I shall not shilly-shally, and go directly to the meat of the biscuit.
Im sorry I claimed that Chihuahuas are worthless.
There, I said it.
Im grateful to Lisa Lynn Hopfer of Wentzville, Missouri, and her little Chihuahua Chloe for showing me just how very wrong I was. It turns out that Chihuahuas arent completely useless after all; heres the story.
Linda Hulsey breeds Chihuahuas, and sold a puppyChloeto Hopfer. According the account I read, Chloe was too young to survive without her mother, and died soon after being purchased.
Hopfer was understandably upset, and returned to the breeder to express her dissatisfaction. The disgruntled customer communicated her unhappiness by hitting Hulsey over the head some thirty times with the recently-deceased Chloe. The direct approach worked; Hulsey refunded Hopfers money.
And so, the next time Im tempted to opine that Chihuahuas are worthless, I shall remember wee Chloe. Chloes my kind of Chihuahua: dead.
- 4 July 2006
- Artificial Meat Picnic
- I enjoyed a pleasant picnic with Dr. Parulis this afternoon; it was perhaps the first time wed seen each other since we sailed on the Greenpeace boat together decades ago. We had a lovely reunion; the artificial meat was disturbingly accurate. After we threw the Pseudo Steaks in a blender and added lots of vodka, no one could distinguish what used to moo from what once grew at the bottom of the sea.
- 5 July 2006
- Thats Military Intelligence!
- I recently received a letter from an anonymous friend employed by the military who admitted she hadnt been keeping up with my recently-published work. Thats because the army has blocked my Internet site owing to the fact it allegedly contains adult content.
Are you up to something I havent heard about yet? she asked. (Shes known me long enough to appreciate that my level of sophistication is rarely more erudite than that of an underachieving schoolboy.)
I wonder what kind of important information the armys missing by censoring adult content? For example, a few years ago I published instructions for making a bomb. And since soldiers cant review my plans, they wont know how to defuse or otherwise defend against bombs made using my design.
On the other hand, the armys Internet site tells any visitorincluding villains and scalawagsall about its arsenal. For example, take the M-249 Squad Automatic Weapon.
A lightweight, gas-operated, one-man-portable automatic weapon capable of delivering a large volume of effective fire at ranges up to 800 meters.
Caliber: 5.56 mm
Weight: 16.5 lbs
Max effective range: 1000 m (area target) 600 m (point target)
Rate of fire: 750 rounds per minute
- So all the enemy has to do to disable this gun is to blitz it with 751 evildoers in a minute and one attacker will get through. Or, they can just take pot shots at it from over a thousand meters away, beyond the M-249 Squad Automatic Weapons range. Or, since the guns powered by gas, a saboteur could simply put some sugar in the gas tank to clog the fuel line.
In other words, the army is telling malefactors how to prevent the M-249 Squad Automatic Weapon from achieving its stated mission (Deter, and if necessary, compel adversaries by enabling individuals and small units to engage targets with accurate, lethal, direct automatic fire.).
Because the army has censored my Internet site, its soldiers cant take advantage of my technologies to deterand if necessary, compeladversaries, yet those same combatants can learn how to disable its high-tech weapons. Thats military intelligence!
- 6 July 2006
- From the Pussarium
- Im in an apartment full of cats. Its like being in a coral reef, but with air instead of water and furniture instead of coral and cats instead of fish.
- 7 July 2006
- After Modern Photography
- When I was a teenager, I pored over almost every article in the monthly, Modern Photography. I especially liked esoteric darkroom tips, such as Bill Pierces suggested to add sodium sulfite to Rodinal to improve acutance when developing Tri-X.
Of course, Modern Photography magazine went out of business some time ago, and modern photography rarely has anything to do with a darkroom. And so, what to do with all that unused hardware?
Thats the problem my friend Arthur faced after inheriting his brother Pauls darkroom. He came up with a partial solution after he realized the old, metal trays for processing prints would be an ideal receptacle for cat urine and feces.
Im suspect theres an important metaphorif not a valuable lessonhere, but I dont know what it might be.
- 8 July 2006
- Remarkably Unobservant
- Tijannas one of my favorite bass players, and her remarkable screaming abilities are a matter of public record. Ive known her for years, and photographed her band countless times. (Or at least nine times, which is the same as countless unless I take off my socks.)
Shes left-handed, and plays a left-handed instrument. Or so I thought. We met up tonight in the cellar of a Chinatown bar where she was performing, and thats when I saw it.
Tijanna doesnt have a left-handed bass; she has an upside-down, right-handed bass. I wonder why it took me years to notice that? The question is, of course, rhetorical; I know the answer. Despite my increasingly empty claims to be a visual artist, Im remarkably unobservant.
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©2006 David Glenn Rinehart