- 1 January 2007
- No. 5,399 (cartoon)
- Nothing is certain.
Not even uncertainty?
- 2 January 2007
- So Many Opportunities
- Ah, a new calendar year, and with it the false promise of a new beginning. I am nevertheless thankful; if it wasnt for false hope Id have almost no hope at all.
So now, what to do with this shiny new year ahead of me? Its like the writer William Gaddis said, There have never in history been so many opportunities to do so many things that arent worth doing. And that was before the Internet provided worthless pursuits that Gaddiswho died in 1998may have never imagined.
- 3 January 2007
- The End of the World Redux
- I got a great piece of junk mail recently that began with these memorable lines.
Picture the scene. A harlot is sitting on the back of a fearsome beast. The beast has seven heads and ten horns ...
- Now thats my kind of harlot! Well, I suppose the trollop in the picture did look more kitschy than racy, but I attribute that to a third-rate illustrator.
Unfortunately, the harlot turned out to be a shill for Jehovahs Witnesses, an apocalyptic religious organization. After reading the fine print, it turns out that Ill never meet the harlot or her feline beastie until the end of the world. Dang; it looks like Ill be hanging around with my more humdrum harlot friends until Armageddon.
- 4 January 2007
- Bad Doggie!
- Molly has a new, six-week old pit bull puppy. Shes quite enamored of the wee, ornery beast, and thats fine with me. After all, what goes on between woman and varmint in the privacy of their own home is none of my business. On the other hand, Molly insists that everyone else be equally in awe of the nefarious cur.
Sorry, Molly, but Im a cat person, I explained.
I notice you cant take your eyes off my little girl, she observed.
Thats true, I said, Im watching to see where she defecates next so I wont step in one of her darling little muck puddles.
And thats when I decided to show Molly an article published in a Louisiana newspaper last month; it began with with the memorable headline, Puppy Gnawed Off Babys Toes. The report went on to describe how six-week old pit bull puppy chewed four toes off a month-old girl.
And that sad story put an end to the blather about puppy cuteness.
- 5 January 2007
- A Pretty Good Writer
- Polly asked me to critique her writing, so I did.
Youre a pretty good writer, for the most part, I said.
What does for the most part mean? Polly inquired.
Well, you have some interesting ideas, and you came up with a couple of situations that caught my attention, I explained.
Where do I have room for improvement? Polly asked earnestly.
Again, youre a pretty good writer, I repeated, except for the words.
Polly thought I was joking, and I saw no reason to correct her since I was technically telling the truth. I could have gone on to say that shes a writer because shes not illiterate, shes pretty because, well, shes pretty, and shes good because she took my snarky comment gracefully. I could have said that, but I didnt.
Im a good conversationalist except for the words; thats why I occasionally keep my mouth shut when I should.
- 6 January 2007
- Ashes to Ashes, Lard to Fire
- I dont know much about religion, but I understand that today is Twelfth Night and epiphany, which, in simple terms, means the orgy of holiday indulgences if officially over. My favorite image of year-end gluttony comes from a news clipping I just saw about an October mishap at a Utah crematorium.
It seems that workers were going about their businessashes to ashes and all thatwhen they ran into a nasty problem. One of their customers, a two-hundred and seventy kilogram corpse, overwhelmed the ovens capacity. Instead of burning to a powdery end, the burning, fatty cadaver caused a grease fire.
Ashes to ashes, lard to fire, and good riddance to the happy holidays.
- 7 January 2007
- Really Fifty-One
- Im fifty-one years old today in chronological years. That statement sounds repetitiously redundant, but actually its not. When I was in my late thirties, I decided to be fifty-one for two decades, so today is the first day my chronological age is the same as my oft-stated age.
Today also marks the first time Im questioning my strategy of remaining fifty-one for another ten years or so. I rather liked saying I was fifty-one when I was younger, but it just occurred to me that if I lie and say that Im younger than I am that Ill appear to be the miserable old git I may in fact be.
Its a question I neednt seriously consider for another year, since for three hundred and sixty-six days I will be really fifty-one.
- 8 January 2007
- All-Black Chess Set
- Im playing chess with Melanie, and its not going very well. Playing chess never goes very well for me, mostly because I have a short attention span and delight in immediate gratification. Tonight, I have an additional handicap: were using Melanies all-black chess set.
Since my pieces look identical to hers, that makes play very difficult. Were spending an inordinate time arguing, and suits me well. After all, Im much better at pointless debates than I am at playing chess.
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©2007 David Glenn Rinehart