Stare.
 
2007 Notebook: Weak VII
 
   
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12 February 2007
No. 5,378 (cartoon)
I’ll see you in your grave.

I’m there now.

13 February 2007
Megan Megan and Tequila Megan
Jerry’s daughter Megan called me this morning to ask what she did at the party last night.

“What a curious question,” I said, “since you were there.”

“Tequila Megan was there,” Megan replied, “Megan Megan was not.”

“Aha,” I replied, “I think you’re drilling in the wrong lake.”

“What do you mean by that?” Megan asked.

“I think Megan Megan should explain to Tequila Megan that amnesia is a train of thought,” I advised.

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14 February 2007
Goat Drunken Spanish Cheese
It’s hard to find authentic regional foods in a world full of impostors and fraudsters like myself. And so, I was pleased to find “Goat Drunken Spanish Cheese” at a local grocery store. I believe there’s a high probability that anyone who’d describe drunken goat cheese that way might be from Spain.

In fact, it’s not unthinkable that the person who labeled the tasty cheese was a drunken Spaniard.

15 February 2007
Zee Problem
Suzette blew the smoke from her Galois in my face before asking a rhetorical question.

“Do you want to know what’s wrong with American foreign policy?” she began. “You’re making enemies faster than you can kill them.”

I hate it when French people pronounce judgment on other countries, especially when they’re right.

16 February 2007
Consider Omaha
Juanita sent me a curious, simple advertisement placed by an Oklahoma real estate company. The pitch featured a picture of a old cow in the middle of a bleak pasture, along with the copy, “If life’s not worth living, consider Omaha.”

I have no idea what message(s) the creators intended to convey, which is why I quite enjoyed hearing from Juanita.

17 February 2007
War and Peas
For decades, I never heard of a villain being foiled by scalding. Villains scalding victims, yes; potential victims scalding would-be perpetrators, no. But today, I heard two such stories.

The first involved a young man who attacked the owners of a fish-and-chips shop in Bolton, England. He was thwarted when one of the owners threw hot, mushy peas in the attacker’s face. (I can’t describe mushy peas; they are an indescribable culinary delicacy from Northern England.)

And more recently, a hijacker was foiled when the captain of the plane decided to maneuver his jet like a San Francisco bus. When the aircraft landed, the pilot slammed on the brakes, then put the engines on full throttle. After the hijacker lost his balance, a flight attendant threw a pot of boiling water in the man’s face.

What’s the moral of these stories? Well, there’s the common theme, “don’t be stupid.” And then, there’s the logical conclusion, “speak softly, and carry a container of boiling water.”

18 February 2007
And That’s Not Art
For decades, I’ve been thinking of songs that never existed.

I listened to the first tune when I was in elementary school; it was the best song I ever heard. All I remember is the line, “sleek black sub with the eye of an everdiamond.”

And then there’s the punk song with these memorable lines:

    you broke my heart,
    and that’s not art,
    so fuck you.

Again, these songs don’t exist outside of my tiny brain. Since I have a modest recording studio, perhaps I should do something about that.

19 February 2007
An Exemplary Worker
Demetrio Baltazar is, perhaps, one of the best employees ever. Or, more accurately, was. That’s because Baltazar is, alas, dead.

The security guard finished his workday, drove home, and died. From a gunshot to the brain. Evidently, a stray bullet found Baltazar’s head, but the exemplary worker never told anyone. With the exception of spilling a little blood, he just worked his deathday as he did every other day.

I wonder why there aren’t more dedicated workers like Demetrio Baltazar? I suppose I should ask Charles Darwin, but he’s dead too.

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©2007 David Glenn Rinehart