- 15 October 2007
- No. 1,567 (cartoon)
- Do you love me the way I love you?
You know that I do.
Then fuck you too.
- 16 October 2007
- My Favorite Color
- Whats your favorite color, Nancy asked.
You know Im a chromophobe, I replied, I dont have a favorite color.
Well, if you had to answer the question, what would you say? Nancy continued.
Pint, I said.
Thats a stupid answer, Nancy opined.
In response to an even stupider question, I agreed. I love you because you always bring out the best in me.
- 17 October 2007
- Oakland Airport Follies
- Im suffering through one of the longest hours in my adult life at the Oakland (California) International Airport. I suppose its called an international airport because the vending machines offer stale, overpriced tortilla chips.
The dingy terminals reverberate with the tinny, amplified sounds of The Mediocrest Music in the Galaxy. The aural pablum is punctuated by stern, deafening admonitions beginning with, This is a security announcement ...
We will confiscate and blow up your luggage if you stop looking at it. Evildoers shouldnt even think about boarding an airplane. You cant bring certain things past the security checkpoint; please ask for details. We will tow and destroy your motor vehicle if you leave it unattended outside an authorized parking lot.
The security idiots at the Oakland airport seem to be in a race to the bottom with their nincompoop counterparts in Boston to see who can be the stupidest. Why else would they remind me every few minutes that I couldnt carry certain itemssuch as a few cans of alepast the security check after Id already been examined by ineffectual screeners?
A friend of a friend in the Israeli secret service bragged that he could commandeer any commercial aircraft with a few meters of dental floss and an eggplant. Overschooled killers scare me, so I didnt ask what the eggplant was for.
- 18 October 2007
- Hannahs Jalapeño Revisited
- Its cold! Hannah complained.
Im cold! she elaborated, just in case anyone failed to appreciate her suffering.
Hannah is an intelligent, ten-year old girl, who realizes that shes responsible for pointing out the myriad injustices that plague children in general and her in particular.
Her wise parents generally ignore her frequent protestations; they limit their interventions to potential calamities that threaten death and/or dismemberment.
I, however, am a visitor, so I offered Hannah an alternative to freezing to death.
Eat this, I suggested as I handed her a large jalapeño pepper. Itll warm you from the inside out.
To my surprise, she grabbed the pepper and bit off half. Her brother Izahia, not to be outdone, ate the other half. And that was that.
Having solved Hannahs problem, I left for a long walk in the Oregon rain. When I returned, Hannahs mother told me that the unfortunate girl vomited up the jalapeño.
And so, I feel sad, even though reverse peristalsis is an integral part of maturation. In all probability, Hannah will vomit when she starts drinking, and vomit some more when shes pregnant. I just hope tonights unfortunate episode wont lead her to forsake the wonders of capsicum, which I believe are generally more rewarding than being a drunk parent, even.
- 19 October 2007
- Thinking Inside the Box
- Jim and I were thirsty after a long drive to the Oregon coast, so we dropped by a liquor store before we went to the beach house.
Going for the expensive stuff, are we? Jim asked when he saw me toting a couple of magnums of Foxhaus red wine.
Id chosen the cheapest big bottles I could find, so I thought he was joking. Once again, I thought wrong.
You should think inside the box, Jim advised as he led me to the next aisle. There, he pointed to dozens of five-liter boxes of wine. It turns out that cheap wine in plastic-lined boxes is about two-thirds the price of cheap wine in glass bottles.
And now, on the shore of Lake Cleawox, Im thinking inside the box, and the thinking is very good indeed, albeit a tad acidic.
- 20 October 2007
- Sand Creatures
- I love spending time on the cold, sandy shore of Lake Cleawox. It looks barren, but I know its not: the beach is teeming with sand creatures. The microscopic critters live off the microorganisms that survive in the sands minute silica crevasses.
The sand creatures ingest a grain of sand, then excrete it through the same orifice a few hours later. The brainless sand creatures only live a couple of months, and die within a meter of where they were born.
Ive met some people who share many traits with the sand creatures, although they wouldnt recognize their own behavior even if they saw it through a microscope.
- 21 October 2007
- Thirty-Three Analog Hours
- I cleverly forgot to bring my computers power adapter with me, so Im spending thirty-three hours on the Oregon coast without a computer. (Or, more accurately, with a live computer with a dead battery.) And so, Im writing pages and pages by hand; I havent done this in decades.
Sipping wine from a coffee cup and writing page after page in a cabin by a lake seems rather romantic, but its not. I have trouble reading my own writing, my hand hurts, and Im continually annoyed by the realization that Ill need to type everything Im writing into my computer tomorrow. Feh!
I bet Thoreaus Walden would have been a better read had he been writing on a computer. (As an aside, I should mention that Henry D. T. took regular breaks from his philosophizing at Walden Pond to take his dirty laundry home for his wife to wash.)
Ah, nature! Feh!