We never have sex any more.

It’s like we were married.

The duck was the first known victim of a homosexual necrophiliac attack. If, in fact, it was an attack; perhaps it was just another way of making love? And can a corpse be a victim? With so many questions, it remains an unforgettable event. And it’s especially memorable since Dead Duck Day has been remembered annually by devoted staffers at the Rotterdam museum.

I don’t really understand the interest in duck love. I attribute the popularity of such an event to the fact that ornithology and museums are so stultifyingly boring that anything out of the ordinary is cause for celebration.

“He’s going to get arrested if he keeps that up,” I predicted.

“That’s exactly his strategy,” Lori agreed.

She went on the explain that the caterwauling “singer” was Lonesome Luis, a Guatemalan peasant who came to San Francisco years ago seeking his fortune. Sadly, Luis found only misfortune, and can’t afford to return home. And so, he’s been howling and banging on his guitar for years in the hope that the authorities will deport him.

It’s a good strategy; I wonder if it works? Could I get a free ticket to Bankok if I said I was a Thai traveler here illegally? I shall have to cogitate on that.

Ice cream, imagine that!

The senior adviser on ethics and morality to the clique of idiots ruling the United States described such mastication as, “a catlike activity that has been made acceptable in informal America, but that still offends those who know eating in public is offensive. This doglike feeding, if one must engage in it, ought to be kept from public view, where, even if we feel no shame, others would not be compelled to witness our shameful behavior.”

I doubt the story is true, since I only found one reference to it on the Internet. As with all good stories, who cares if it’s true? In any case, I love the mental picture of a priggish, repressed old man shuddering in revulsion at the sight of a catlike tongue.

Creamy!

“Same as now,” I replied, “six feet.”

Although I think avoiding passing along hereditary diseases is a good idea, I nevertheless have to consider Hughes and his ilk traitors to our gender. Once reproduction is relegated to laboratory technicians, who’d want to keep men around?

As Dr. Graham observed, “Men are only good for one thing, and they’re usually not very good at that.”

“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

I still don’t understand why Angus drives around in a hearse; the pig’s not even dead yet.