Stare.
 
2008 Notebook: Weak XXXIII
 
   
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14 August 2008
No. 261 (cartoon)
Do you remember how much I loved you?

Of course.

That’s how much I hate you now.

15 August 2008
Life-size Skull?
Dr. Lux phoned me, and reported that she bought a brass skull. When I asked her to describe it, she said, “I’d say it’s life-size, but I don’t think that’s the right word.”

I don’t know if that’s the right word or not; the nuances of my native tongue continue to befuddle me. But, since Dr. Lux is the only licensed embalmer I know, I shall defer to her expertise when it comes to skulls and most other anatomical matters.

16 August 2008
On Work and Love
Predictably, I’m related to lots of other Rineharts. I love my relatives; they’re all crazy. But since all people are crazy in their own way, that’s not saying much. And that brings me to Mary Roberts Rinehart, no known relation of mine.

Mary Roberts Rinehart is perhaps most recognized as the mother of the cliché, “the butler did it.” And she also said this: “A little work, a little sleep, a little love, and it’s all over.”

That doesn’t sound right to me; I’d prefer a lot of work and a lot of love. And that brings me to Coco Chanel, certainly no relation, who posited, “There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.”

As much as I love such a simplistic bifurcation, I prefer something even simpler, combining work and love. It’s worked so far!

17 August 2008
Not a Place of Honor
Nuclear power is problematical for a number of reasons, most of which are related to the fact that it requires perfect management to be safe. Sadly, human beings are responsible for keeping lethal radiation under control. And since humans are idiots, that’s a problem.

And then there’s nuclear waste, which is especially problematic in that it’s radioactive for millennia. That’s why the morons who are setting up a nuclear waste dump commissioned a study to come up with a warning for someone stumbling across our toxic garbage ten thousand years from now. Said nincompoops authored a tedious tome, Expert Judgment on Markers to Deter Inadvertent Human Intrusion into the [Nuclear] Waste Isolation Pilot Plan.

Here’s the best part, the warning sign.

    This place is not a place of honor.

    No highly esteemed deed is commemorated here.

    Nothing valued is here.

    This place is a message and part of a system of messages.

    Pay attention to it!

    Sending this message was important to us.

    We considered ourselves to be a powerful culture.

What a hoot! I especially like the last line, “We considered ourselves to be a powerful culture.” It seems like a tacit admission that we really bollixed things up, which, of course, we have.

We cretins left a big, toxic mess for you. Pay attention to it!

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18 August 2008
Picking Relatives and Noses
I like Dr. Gobel for myriad reasons, but mostly because she’s innovative. When I repeated the conventional wisdom that one can pick one’s nose, but not one’s relatives, she corrected me. She pointed that she’s had a number of suitors, but chose one to marry. She then proceeded to stick her finger up her fiancé’s nose, proving that she could not only pick her relative, but her soon-to-be relative’s nose as well.

Now that’s amore!

19 August 2008
The Whisky Cure
When I visited Dr. Stallings, she noted that I had a cold. She’s one of the most thoughtful people I know, and so she offered to make me a medicinal concoction to restore my health. She explained that her potion included tea, lemon juice, vitamins, tea, whisky, and ...

And that’s when I interrupted her.

“Whisky!” I exclaimed. “Brilliant! Of course!”

I grabbed a bottle of Islay whisky from her liquor cabinet, and poured myself a large glass of peaty medication.

Dr. Stallings is one of the smartest people I know, so it was only reluctantly that I explained to her that whisky was the only active ingredient in her formula; the tea, lemons, and other distractions are just fluff and filler.

And now, thanks to her whisky, I’m better! Or at least I feel like I am.

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©2008 David Glenn Rinehart