Stare.
 
2009 Notebook: Weak XI
 
   
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13 March 2009
No. 5,323 (cartoon)
It’s all so beautiful!

You’re hallucinating.

I’m living the Bhutanese dream!

14 March 2009
Slicing Strategies
I was cooking dinner for Theresa at her place, and asked her for a cleaver with which to chop up vegetables.

“How about a very sharp knife instead?” she asked. “I wouldn’t want you to lose another finger.”

“Don’t worry,” I replied, “I’ve learned how to avoid severing any more fingers; that’s why I want you to hold the carrots while I cut.”

I wasn’t surprised or perturbed when she declined to help; I have yet to find any friend brave or foolhardy enough to slice with me. That’s fine; it only takes one person to julienne a carrot.

15 March 2009
The Rotten Tomatoes Secret
I noticed one of my tomatoes on the windowsill was half rotten. Optimist that I am, I concluded that meant that it was half yummy, so I cut off the spolied half before eating the tasty part.

More accurately, I thought I cut off the decayed bits. I then discovered that the separation between good and bad is as fuzzy—no pun intended—in a tomato as it is in life. The ripe tomato had a familiar tangy taste, just like the salsa in my favorite taquerias.

Aha! Now I know what the secret taqueria salsa ingredient is: rotten tomatoes!

Bone appetite con tomates!

16 March 2009
Satanic Salt
I told Cheryl that some idiot was offended by the idea of ingesting kosher salt, so the huckster is selling Christian salt.

“Hold it,” Cheryl said, “Jesus was Jewish, so isn’t kosher salt Christian salt too?”

“Why is there never a Talmudic scholar around when you need one?” I asked. “If there was, she’d probably tell us that salt is sodium chloride.”

Cheryl suggested we take advantage of the segmentation in the salt market and peddle satanic salt, sodium chloride with a trace of sulfur added. I told her that was a great business idea of no interest to me; commerce tires me.

17 March 2009
Handbags Erasing Memories of Defeat
I received a curious, concise offer this morning from someone in China in this morning’s mail.

    Luxury handbags at amazing prices. Erase the memories of the defeat.

The sender’s curious use of the English language extended to the company name, Screwing Watches. Was that a reference to watches that require manual winding, or perhaps the suggestion that wearing a cheap imitation of an ostentatious watch will lead to sexual intercourse?

Perhaps there’s a place in China where shoddy watches are catalysts for sex, a place where third-rate purses erase memories of defeat. Or, perhaps there’s not.

18 March 2009
The Association of Factory Raised Meat Producers’ Clever Marketing
In mid-January, I noted that the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals was advocating that fish should be called sea kittens. Today, I read that the same organization wants to sell tofu with a few molecules of a famous actor’s sweat added.

The proposal was intended to get people to embrace a vegetarian diet and abandon their cheeseburgers and fried chicken. Or was that the real purpose?

I also read that members of the group wore Ku Klux Klan outfits during at a protest a dog show last month. I didn’t read more than the first few sentences; I didn’t need to. I now appreciate that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ raison d’être is to publicize the name of the organization. I also suspect the charlatans running the group are paid by the Association of Factory Raised Meat Producers to tarnish the reputation of animal welfare campaigners. That’s what empirical evidence strongly suggests.

I’m too lazy to investigate; I have bigger sea kittens to fry.

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©2009 David Glenn Rinehart