Is that because you’re really quite drunk?

That hadn’t occurred to me.

The British forced the repeal of the law in 1681. I’m sure that was the beginning of the end for the Brits’ imperialist conquest of the Americas.

Feh!

“Stare. It is the only way to educate your eye, and more. Stare, pry, listen, eavesdrop. Die knowing something. You are not here long.”

Income: 73
Expenses: 288,505
Profit (Loss): (288,432)

(As an aside, the seventy-three euros came from an out-of-court settlement over the severe intestinal distress caused by a tainted taco from Tino’s Timorese Tacos. From now on I’m sticking to burritos from the Americas.)

Fortunately, the lab’s investors have nerves of titanium as well as very deep pockets. They share my conviction that some day we’ll capitalize on the pent-up demand for time-wasting devices and services.

The future is lazy.

Simon addressed the last question by making a brilliant editorial decision. “Given the choice on this show between nude and not nude,” he said, “we always err on the side of the nude.”

Empirical evidence suggests that lots of people want to be mad scientists, and I’m not the only one who’s succeeded. I’m thinking about the the U.S. government’s Information Awareness Office. The dubious enterprise, an ambitious plan to spy on everyone all the time, seems like George Orwell’s 1984 on steroids. With methamphetamine, for good measure.

My favorite part about their sinister endeavor is the logo, which looks like something on the cover of a pulp science fiction book designed by teenagers to look, like, totally cool, man. Totally.

The hodgepodge logo features all sorts of nonsense. First, the image itself appears to be floating in space, thanks to the totally cool drop shadow, the signature of every mediocre computer graphic designer. Then we have the acronym DARPA (The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) to remind weaklings that the whole fiasco involves the U.S. military. And just to show a little class, there’s the Latin phrase, “Scienta est potentia,” or, “Knowledge is power.” So there.

The centerpiece of the logo is, of course, the centerpiece. In practice, this means a misshapen planet Earth dominated by an even larger brick pyramid floating in space. A numb Masonic eye floats atop the pyramid, bathing helpless earthlings in its all-seeing, all-encompassing death ray.

Billions of dollars, a juvenile logo, and a totalitarian mission: be very afraid.

“Look,” I replied, “I don’t tell you how to run your business, so don’t tell me what kind of year to have.”

“OK,” he replied. “Then I’ll tell you I just decided to raise the price of Rainier Ale retroactive to this morning. Give me three more dollars.”

I guess I was right; 2003 doesn’t look too promising.