Let’s go someplace where we can each be alone.

Curiously, airline bureaucrats insist the repulsive smell has nothing to do with the ban. Instead, they argue that cans of the fermented herring could explode, since the fish continues to ferment in the can. In any case, surstromming is a wonderful tool in a creative terrorist’s arsenal.

I wonder where I could buy some surstromming? I think it’s just the thing to eat the next time I’m on a crowded jet; I bet my fellow passengers would give me a wide berth. Since I hate to patronize British Airways or Air France, my vicious plan just might work!

I can’t locate a can opener, but I have spotted at least five corkscrews. I applaud the owners’ priorities, especially since I already have a can opener on my Swiss army knife.

I enjoyed a delicious sardine and red wine dinner.

“I suppose they have to eat birds and monkeys since their heads are so high,” Todd agreed.

“You do know what a canine is, don’t you?” I asked Todd.

“Of course,” Todd said indignantly, “canines eat meat.”

“Dogs are canines, just like like cats are felines,” I explained. “Something that eats meat is a carnivore.”

“Giraffes eat dogs?!” Todd exclaimed.

“They sure do,” I lied. “They pick them up, then drop them from high above the ground to break their legs so they can’t run away. The giraffes only eat the dogs’ spinal columns to nourish their long necks.”

Todd assured me that he’d never look at giraffes the same way again, and I believed him.