No one will ever despise you more.

!!!

Here’s how it works: the deadly amoeba, Naegleria fowleri, thrives in warm water such as lakes in Florida, Texas, and Arizona, where the deaths occurred. The microscopic organisms enter a swimmer’s body through the nose, then it’s on to the brain buffet, where they gorge until the victim dies. And, like every truly horrific disease, there’s no cure.

“Usually, from initial exposure it’s fatal within two weeks,” declared the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Michael Beach, an expert on waterborne illnesses.

The moral of this story is the same as so many other stories over the centuries: avoid the southern United States like the plague. Or, more accurately, like brain-devouring amoeba.

That’s too bad, but I suppose the police need firepower comparable to the criminals’ weapons. That’s why I like the English arrangement, where an unwritten agreement between the nominal good guys and bad guys means that most of them don’t carry firearms.

Slingshots are a great compromise between fisticuffs and lethal force. Police snipers with long-range slingshots could debilitate villains from a safe distance. And, in extreme cases, patrol cars with colossal, industrial slingshots could use bowling balls to disable fleeing cars or break down reinforced doors. I’m tempted to suggest catapults as well, but that would defeat the purpose of an arms-control agreement.

All I know with certainty is that it’s too bad the Tijuana police didn’t really give their innovative experiment a chance to succeed. I bet a rock-hard pinto bean fired at high velocity upside the head would be enough to dissuade most criminals from their misdeeds.

As anyone who’s enjoyed a misspent youth knows, “Mike Rotch” is a nom de adolescence, a homonym for “my crotch.”

I’m embarrassed to admit that I find such puerile humor amusing; I was impressed that a teenager’s prank made it past editors into a nationwide news broadcast.

The new technologies are leading to a variety of discoveries, everything from nude sunbathers to more interesting revelations. For example, there’s a U.S. Navy building in Coronado, California, that’s shaped like a swastika.

The swastika is an ancient symbol used by many cultures, such as the Jains, Hindus, and Native Americans. Oh, and the Nazis, too. What swastika was the architect John Mock thinking about less than a quarter century after the end of World War II? I suppose one clue is that it’s oriented in the same way the Nazis designed theirs; that may or may not be relevant.

I normally don’t care for dessert, but couldn’t decline her offer when she insisted that I try it. I’m glad I did; it was delicious, and not sweet at all. Instead, it was a little smoky and exotic, like Persia itself. Of course, I completely imagined the link between my taste buds and that faraway land; I’ve never been to Persia.

In any case, I look forward to including more Persian treats in my diet, if only for a brief hiatus from burritos.

“I may have been a tad pretentious when I was a youngster,” I admitted, “but that was a long time ago. I’ve been unpretentious for so long that I’m actually postentious.”

The anonymous suicide didn’t use pills, firearms, or even that Motor City favorite, a car crash. Instead, he built a guillotine in the woods near a shopping center.

Allen Park Deputy Police Chief Dale Covert said the man must have spent a great deal of time building the two-meter high contraption. And for reasons no one will ever know, the man kept all the receipts for the materials used to build the device with which he killed himself. I suppose it’s all part of Detroit engineering culture, where failure is never unexpected.