- 26 November 2001
- Severed Chocolate Fingers
- I usually dont appreciate chocolate or gifts, but I was delighted to receive four severed chocolate fingers, complete with simulated raspberry filling. A severed chocolate finger alone is a source of joy, and the simulated raspberry filling radiates contentment.
Why havent I seen severed chocolate fingers before?
- 27 November 2001
- A French Standoff
- Im having a terrible time aboard Air France Flight 84 from Paris to San Francisco. The surly French waitresses of the sky keep talking to me in French, as if I hadnt bathed in a week, as if I wasnt headed to a state where only seventy-three people speak the Garlic language.
But thats not the worst of my problems.
It seems that none of the sullen air servants realize the perils of dehydration on eleven-hour flights. Im on my own, and decided to act accordingly. Thats when the real trouble started.
Monsieur, no no no no no!
Thats what the nefarious flight attendant shrieked when she caught me grabbing a few tiny bottles of cheap wine from the galley. Le grande fit du hissy!
Then things got worse.
Since none of my three French basic phrases seemed appropriate for the situation, I resorted to primitive French. I made a nasally congested snort followed my an almost inaudible grunt.
The waitress of the sky responded in kind. She threw back her head, aimed her nostrils at me, snorted contemptuously, then made a strange guttural sound.
It was a French standoff.
- 28 November 2001
- Duck Art
- The American government only sponsors one art competition, and its something else. Unlike so many contemporary aesthetic concerns, the Americans know exactly what they want. In a word, ducks.
The American government is a collector with narrowly defined interests. Every year, the American government wants to review more images of ducks. No kittens, beautiful women, or heroic landscapes need apply; the bureaucrats want pictures of ducks.
When it comes to art, the American governments desires are extraordinarily practical. The government reproduces the image winning duck on federal duck stamps, a government license every duck hunter is required to purchase.
Government art: quack, quack, quack!
- 29 November 2001
- Two Down, Two to Go
- Although Im generally a nice guy, I must confess that I have a perverse interest in offensive humor as long as its not racist, sexist, or any of the other unacceptable -ists. Perhaps the bestor maybe the worstexample of my unfortunate taste is my favorite joke of all time.
Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.
Ill never tell that horrible joke again. I just learned that, like all things, George Harrison has passed. Its all very sad. Fifty-eight is too young to die, and cancers a horrible way to go. Although Ive never had any interest in Harrisons spiritual pursuits, Ive always liked his music, especially his plaintive voice.
This is all very morose, but I suppose thats to be expected when it comes to death and bad jokes.
- 30 November 2001
- A Blemish on My Horizon
- Its almost December. Almost, but not quite. And so it is that Im annoyed by a blemish on the San Francisco skyline. Some inconsiderate ninnies have filled the window of their high-rise apartment with gaudy holiday lighting. In November, even!
The garish display is an electric carbuncle on an otherwise grand panorama. Im annoyed, but only moderately. Its only going to get worse over the next few weeks.
- 1 December 2001
- Corporate Fine Arts Vision
- Edwin sent a cryptic email suggesting I have a look at Grundig Vertriebs GmbHs new product, Fine Arts Vision. Edwins an untrustworthy scoundrel, but I couldnt resist taking the bait. I went to Grundigs Internet site and discovered the claim, Fine Arts Vision is more than an exclusive television set.
In fact, Fine Arts Vision appears to be nothing more than the biggest television set in the world. The Grundig site shows a grown man dwarfed by a mammoth television set the size of a truck. I cant tell whether the man is controlling the television, or vice-versa.
The ad promises, a new dimension in vision coupled with creative aesthetics. Creative aesthetics! What will those wacky Germans think of next?!
I have no use for Grundigs Fine Arts Vision. Although the Teutonic box is a handsome toy, I doubt theres anything in it.
- 2 December 2001
- Contemporary Art Perspectives
- Gert thought I might enjoy reading a new periodical, Contemporary Art Perspectives. Gert was wrong.
Contemporary Art Perspectives is a tedious read, full of long-winded essays in which a variety of critics go on and on and on and on some more. The writers spoke with one voice, the voice of a boor.
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©2001 David Glenn Rinehart