- 30 October 2005
- No. 1,338 (cartoon)
- Stop telling lies about me.
I will, if youll stop telling the truth about me.
- 31 October 2005
- Trick-or-Treating Strategies
- Beverly has to work tonight, so she asked if Id take her seven-year old daughter Samantha trick-or-treating. I cheerfully agreed.
Samantha wore a generic princess outfit, one that I didnt think would serve her well in todays cutthroat begging environment. To give her a competitive edge, I taped a dozen orange road flares to her arms and torso. The emergency flares were supposed to look like dynamite, even though they didnt. Since they were reddish and cylindrical, they were adequate for our purpose. I also taped an old, broken walkie-talkie to her chest then gave her the script for the evening.
We decided to practice on her mother, which turned out to be a big mistake.
That mean mans gonna blow me up if you dont give me all your candy right now, she told Beverly.
I smiled, and pointed to the other broken walkie-talkie in my hands.
Beverly gave me a nasty look, and confiscated Samanthas flares and walkie-talkie.
Cmon, princess, I told Samantha, not much we can do if your mother doesnt want us to try something different.
Goodbye, Sam, have a great time, Beverly said. Your mommy loves you. And as for you, David, Ill deal with you later.
I was afraid of that.
It turns out that Samantha ended up with tons of candy anyway, after she learned to say, Please, may I have some more for the sick children at my orphanage?
- 1 November 2005
- Short for His Heighth
- Beverly is a very tall woman; shes exactly six feet tall. She reports that she regularly meets men who claim to be that tall, but are demonstrably shorter. Beverly is not a shy person, so when a poser says that heand it always is a manis as tall as she is, she asks for proof. And so, when they stand toe to toe, they rarely see eye to eye, since the liar ends up staring Beverly in the chin.
Beverly reports that the best excuse she ever got from a charlatan was, Im short for my heighth.
- 2 November 2005
- The Wrong Heighth?
- Although I can cobble a few paragraphs together on a daily basis, I have only a tenuous grasp of the phenomenally complicated underbelly of the English language. And so it was that I asked Anika, one of my learned friends, to proofread recent notebook entries. Even though Anikas Danish, she knows a lot more about my native tongue than I do.
When she came to yesterdays entry, I told her that I always got confused between the words height and heighth. She told me that the rule is to always use height and never use heighth. I asked her why, and she gave me a simple explanation.
Heighth isnt a word, she declared. Never has been and never will be.
Ah, I replied, that would explain why I couldn't find it in the dictionary.
After Anika left, I decided to get a second opinion. The Internet found over eighty thousand references to heighth. For example, Dickens used it in Great Expectations: Pip, I wish you ever well and ever prospering to a greater and a greater heighth. My favorite citation, though, was from an academic who declared, ... heighth was common until the nineteenth century when educated usage began to favor height.
If educated users prefer height, I suppose that dictates that I use the archaic alternative.
- 3 November 2005
- Truth in Pizza Advertising
- Piatzas Pizza advertises fourteen-inch long slices of pizza. Ive always been suspicious of that claim, so today I finally purchased one of the three-dollar slices and took it away for clandestine scrutiny. Im pleased to report that the artery-clogging delight is, in fact, fourteen inches long.
The pizza wasnt particularly tasty; the cheese and crust shared the same rubbery texture. The lack of quality, however, was more than offset by the gluttonous quality. In combination with a few cans of marginal beer, the pizza provided a cheap, piggy feast.
- 4 November 2005
- Onos Appropriate Apology
- Todays newspaper featured a story that Yoko Ono apologized to Paul McCartney for suggesting that his songs were trite. The reporter tried to put Onos statement in context by noting, McCartney has sometimes clashed with Ono, Lennons widow, a statement roughly analogous to, Palestinians and Israelis have, on occasion, found themselves at odds.
Im glad Ono offered a public correction. McCartneys work is mediocre, insipid, vapid, hackneyed, and tedious, but, unless he gets much better, his songs certainly havent achieved triteness.
last weak |
©2005 David Glenn Rinehart