- 5 November 2005
- No. 2,015 (cartoon)
- What do you want from me?
- 6 November 2005
- Figuratively Literally
- Vernon reported that he laughed so hard at a recent episode of South Park that, I literally laughed so hard I fell off the couch.
You literally fell off the couch because you were laughing so hard? I said skeptically.
I actually did, figuratively speaking, Vernon replied.
So what was it, I asked, did you literally figuratively fall off the couch laughing, or figuratively literally?
Shut up, Vernon explained.
- 7 November 2005
- What Really Happened in 1878?
- There is no Rainier Ale in New York. That may or may not be true, but I cant find a single dose of my favorite sophisticated adult malt beverage here.
And so it is that Ive taken to swilling Genesee Cream Ale. Its ale in a green aluminum can, but it doesnt enjoy the same viscosity or opacity as Rainier Ale. On the other hand, I really shouldnt complain (even though I do) since a convenient, thirty-can box of Genesee Cream Ale only costs nine dollars.
The more I drink, the more I keep noticing the phrase, Since 1878, printed on every label. For some reason, the year 1878 resonates with me, even though I wasnt alive then. Thats when I decided to ask my computer what happened in 1878. Although I shouldnt reduce myself to foreshadowing, I will. This is where things get spooky, very spooky indeed.
My computer reports that the only thing it knows about the year 1878 comes from a Rainier Ale label: Mountain Fresh Taste Since 1878.
So what really happened in 1878? The telephone was only two years old then, so its most improbable that hopheads on opposite coasts were comparing notes. I suppose theres the possibility of sharing brewing strategies via the new transcontinental railroad, but that seems doubtful at best.
Ill probably never know why these two ales were born almost simultaneously. I can say that with some certainty, since Im too lazy to investigate.
- 8 November 2005
- Fun Terror
- Im flying back to San Francisco, and Im exchanging scary stories with the architect sitting next to me.
Him: I remember the time when one of the engines caught on fire ...
Me: I remember the time when we lost altitude so suddenly that all the drinks and everything else that wasnt secured smashed against the ceiling ...
Him: I remembered when we landed in Moscow and these crazy Russian cops came charging down the aisle screaming and waving their pistols ...
Me: I remember circling Seattle for hours to burn off fuel before we made an emergency landing ...
We went on exchanging tales for some time, until the architect neatly summed them up: terror is so much more fun when its over.
- 9 November 2005
- Tempting Fate to Save an Hour
- When I changed planes in Chicago yesterday, I was able to get on the noon flight to San Francisco instead of my scheduled flight, which left an hour later. I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing throughout the flight. On one hand, spending as little time as possible in airports is clearly a good idea. On the other hand, trying to save an hour would have proved false economy had my flight crashed.
Fortunately, both flights landed safely. I would have been so miffed if I heard the captain announce, Er, folks, were gonna crash soon and youre all going to die. We appreciate your business, thanks for flying with us today.
- 10 November 2005
- Maris Decorative Little Drunk
- I asked Angela if shed met Maris latest girlfriend.
You mean the decorative little drunk? Angela asked.
Ill assume thats an affirmative, I said.
- 11 November 2005
- What kind of art do you make?
Thats the logical, predictable question everyone asks whenever I say Im an artist, and Ive never come up with a good answer. Almost no one gets the stupid joke when I say Im a recovering photographer. Bad conceptual art is repetitiously redundant. And when I say I make worthless art to differentiate myself from the artists who make pornography, sell art by the truckload to hotel chains, et cetera, I always get a well-intentioned lecture that art isnt worthless, its ennobling, a high calling, commendable, admiral, laudable, ad nauseam.
And thats why I was delighted to learn a new word today that accurately describes the type of work I create, irritainment. That raises the question of whether Im an artist or an irritainer, a question Im not going to worry about today.
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©2005 David Glenn Rinehart