- 12 November 2005
- No. 6,680 (cartoon)
- Im so tired I could sleep forever.
- 13 November 2005
- A Kurdish Extravaganza
- There are dinner parties, and, then again, there are exceptional dinner parties. And I can say with certainty that I enjoyed a nonpareil feast last night.
I dont run into many Kurds, and thats too bad. I had a great time yesterday serving as Sureyas sous-chef. As we cooked mountains and oceans of food, I increased my knowledge of Kurdistan and its culture by an order of magnitude or two. That wasnt hard to do, since I knew almost nothing about the subject two days ago. After hours cooking with Sureya, though, I probably know more about eggplant than any of my learned friends.
When we opened our third liter of cooking oil and third bottle of wine, Sureya promoted me from sous-chef to soused chef. And thats when she told me the names of all the food we were cooking referenced genitalia. (At least I think she said something to that effect; I dont have a clear recollection of the nuances of the conversation.)
And so I asked the Internet whether couscous really translates to vaginavagina. It turns out it does; heres a relevant excerpt from the 25 February 2002 issue of Time magazine.
He [Salah Jamal] also writes of an Algerian visiting Jerusalem who asked for couscous. In colloquial Arabic of the Middle East, unlike the Maghreb nations, cous can mean vagina. The hapless Algerian was asking for two!
- I wish I could remember the other translations. Oh well, I shall just have to meet up with Sureya in the kitchen again.
- 14 November 2005
- Intelligible After Death
- Will you ever stop mumbling? Danielle asked.
The problem will solve itself, I assured her.
Explain, she demanded.
When I die, all that will be left will be my written words, which will be intelligible, I explained.
That sounds like wishful thinking on your part, Danielle responded.
Im afraid shes right.
- 15 November 2005
- Kinky for Governor!
- Kinky for Governor!
Thats not a reference to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who already is a governor, or, perhaps more accurately, a gropenführer.
Im thinking of Kinky Friedman, whos running for governor of Texas. Friedman has a way with words, as is obvious from his songs such as, They Dont Make Jews Like Jesus Anymore.
And thats why I wasnt surprised by Friedmans brilliant campaign slogan, How Hard Could It Be?
Kinky for Governor!
- 16 November 2005
- Rainforest Scam
- I parked my bike in Jasons office at Fort Mason this morning, then told him I was heading off to a free lunch sponsored by some hippy rainforest organization.
Enjoy your catered holistic vegan lunch, Jason said with gleeful sincerity.
Fuck you too, I replied with gleeful sincerity.
When I arrived, I found a nice, arty salad at my table. So far, so good. Unfortunately, that was as far as it went: the salad turned out to be the entire lunch.
I noted that Parducci Vineyards was one of the sponsors of the starvation-diet lunch. Was I offered any of their delightfully vinegary-sweet alcoholic swill? I was not.
What the hosts saved on lunch, they may have spent on video projectors, or maybe crack cocaine. Or maybe the people who made the predictably formulaic propaganda twaddle used all the crack. All I remember is that they made some questionable claims. For example, I laughed so hard that salad dressing shot out my nose when a speaker identified one of my perpetually inebriated friends as, a planetary visionary.
The program featured lots of crap philosophy such as, the rainforest people are the condor people, we in the north are the eagle people; we must fly together into a new age. (Or something like that.)
New age! Of course! I should have known better.
I could go on making snarky juvenile comments, but I wont. These people may mean well; they just have a different approach to affecting environmental change in the rainforest. Personally, I prefer environmentalists with automatic weapons.
- 17 November 2005
- Regurgitated Rat Baby
- Dr. Sensei recently witnessed the miracle of human birth for the first time; heres how he described his son emerging from the womb.
Man, and I thought I knew vaginas! he reported. At first it looked normal, maybe a little wider than usual. But all of a sudden, she opened up just like one of those snakes that unlocks its jaws when its about to swallow a rat.
And thats how Maximus entered the world, like a regurgitated rat.
- 18 November 2005
- Stooopid Art
- As a conceptual artist, its easy for me to appreciate art Ive never seen. For example, theres Don Bruces and Tracy Feldsteins piece, The Disgusting Spectacle. Its a human head over seven meters tall that picks its nose.
I like the adolescent premise, and love Bruces description of his and Feldsteins piece: Ours is stupid. Thats stupid with three Os.
- 19 November 2005
- Drinking Gatewoods Wine
- Nice wine, Maureen commented, whered you get it?
I stole it from Charles Gatewoods opening tonight, I replied.
What do you mean? she asked.
I mean that I stole it from Charles Gatewoods opening tonight, I explained.
How can you steal a bottle of wine from a friend? Maureen demanded.
It was easy, I continued, I just stuck it in my shoulder bag when no one was looking.
I bet you didnt ask him if you could have it, did you? Maureen said accusingly.
I went on to explain to Maureen that its not stealing if you get permission, and that Charles doesnt drink. And anyway, Charles was busy chatting up a beautiful woman. In fact, I bet hell thank me for not interrupting him when he reads this. At least he wont ask me to buy him a bottle of wine; thats one of the many reasons I love my sober friends.