- 15 January 2006
- No. 2,852 (cartoon)
- I love you for all the wrong reasons.
I loathe you for all the right reasons.
- 16 January 2006
- No Nervous Breakthrough
- I called Annie to announce that I was having a nervous breakthrough, and asked her if she had time to hear the details. She lied and said she was too busy to talk, but I didnt mind. I lied when I said I was having a nervous breakthrough.
- 17 January 2006
- The Desired Number of Children
- Wanda and Joel are making lots of babies. At least thats my opinion, since I figure that any number of children greater than zero equals lots.
So, how many kids do you have? I asked.
(I knew the answer, but asked anyway. Its one of the unwritten rules that one has to ask parents about their children.)
We have three, Wanda replied, then proceeded to tell me their names (which I promptly forgot).
And how many do you want eventually? I continued lamely.
Two, Joel said.
I didnt know what to say, so I awkwardly changed the subject.
- 18 January 2006
- The Jiffy and the Nose Hair
- The Internet is not the fount of scientific knowledge it used to be.
I saw an advertisement in a tavern bathroom that stated matter-of-factly, as an aside, that a jiffy is one hundredth of a second.
My parents admonished me not to believe everything I read on bathroom walls, and so I asked the Internet for a second opinion.
I found an Internet site that verified that a jiffy is, in fact, a hundredth of a second. The site also mentioned, during your lifetime you will grow two meters of nose hair.
Now, just hold everything.
My life is, by any rational estimate, over half over, and I dont have even a centimeter of nose hair. (Or could it have grown up my sinuses and down my throat? That might explain my persistent cough.)
In any case, Ive never seen nose hairs poking out of anyones nostrils, except a few ancient professors. And, since I spend so much time in cities filled with every manner of freak, if nose hairs really grew that long I would have seen them braided and tied to a corset or genital implant by now.
Or perhaps the nose hair statistic is based on kajillions of microscopic hairs growing a millimeter or two before falling out, with a cumulative, collective length of two meters.
Or maybe, just maybe, some clever person concocted the stories about the jiffy and the nose hair, and neither are true.
The Internet is not the fount of scientific knowledge it used to be, if it ever was.
- 19 January 2006
- A Brief Escape
- I pay undue attention to big, round numbers. And so it is that Ive been thinking a lotprobably too muchabout the fact that Ive been making these daily notes for over ten years. In reality, I feel more tethered then even the poor drones who toil under florescent lights in clammy offices five days a week; at least some of them have unscheduled days.
Today, I shall escape the tyranny of reality and write nothing.
- 20 January 2006
- The Latest Shocking Thing
- I was walking down Collingwood Street with Stephan when I spotted a curious sign in the window of Priscillas Palace of Pain: $45 Taser Shots.
Whats that about? I asked.
You dont know? Stephan replied. Its the latest thing.
I was tempted to remark that I thought people stopped using the phrase, the latest thing, decades ago, but decided not to say anything. That rare diplomatic move allowed Stephan to tell me about Taser shots.
It seems a couple of months ago, Florida police caught a nude man breaking windows and accosting woman. When Jeremy J. Miljour tried to flee from the cops, one of the deputies shot the twenty-six year old with an electronic shock gun. The hooked electrodes from the Taser landed in the suspects reproductive organs, then zap! Fifty-thousand volts in the genitals!
The seems like an undesirable experience, but the patrons of Priscillas Palace of Pain evidently disagree.
- 21 January 2006
- Dead People Are Hot!
- Andrew is fascinated by necrophilia for reasons I do not understand, so I asked him.
Dead people are so hot! Andrew exclaimed.
Actually, I replied, I think theyre just warm from decomposition.
You dont get it, do you? Andrew asked rhetorically.
Evidently not, I agreed.
Its like René Morel said, Thank God we dont all have the same taste or wed all be married to the same woman.