- 20 August 2006
- No. 2,596 (cartoon)
- Why do you make me suffer?
I know how to please you.
- 21 August 2006
- The Late Joe Rosenthal and His Famous Photograph
- I just read that Joe Rosenthal died; he was the photographer who made the famous image of the Americans raising the flag on Iwo Jima during the second world war.
Or, more accurately, Rosenthal photographed the second raising of an American flag that day. The story I heard was that the second event was staged for the camera because one of the servicemen involved in the first instance was black. After reading todays glowing obituaries, though, I believe Rosenthals claim that the photograph wasnt a setup.
Im probably looking at the past through rosé-tinted glasses (especially since my father foughtor, rather, cookedin said war), but it seems like there were a lot more people with impeccable integrity back then. I just reread the previous sentence, and realized Im wrong: people are people; they always have been, and always will be.
My father was certainly peccable; maybe Rosenthal was too? Perhaps, but this is not a question to address before the ink on Rosenthals Internet obituaries is dry.
- 22 August 2006
- Better Bad News
- I visited the set of Better Bad News tonight, where pseudo-journalists and suspicious pundits offered up sound bites. Or, perhaps more accurately, unsound morsels. The team lived up to its bold claim to provide, Unbalanced and Half-true News Opinion and Commentary.
I found the experience quite refreshing. Having said that, I suppose honesty in broadcasting might become tedious if it became commonplace. Theres not much chance of that, so I shall sleep soundly tonight, just like every other night.
- 23 August 2006
- US Sick-Air
- Flying doesnt agree with some people, such as those delicate souls who react to being on a jiggly jet by regurgitating. For that reason, most airlines provide passengers with small, impermeable bags in which to vomit at their leisure.
In this era of relentless marketing, some bureaucrat at US Airways noticed that the airsickness bags were shockingly devoid of printing. According to the account I read, she decided to take advantage of the blank canvases and cover them with advertising.
I wonder what kind of advertisements US Airways chose: did they select products that would encourage vomiting, such as scratch-and-sniff promotions for rat poison? Or perhaps they opted for some pharmaceutical product that turns human beings into numb, tranquil zombies?
Since I avoid that airline, and since never get airsick, I may never know.
- 24 August 2006
- A Pair of Penises
- It is a problem of plenty. Thats how the India Times described the medical condition of a twenty-four year old businessman from Uttar Pradesh, who asked doctors to amputate his penis. But just one of them.
It turns out that the young man, who wants to remain anonymous, suffersif thats the right wordfrom an extraordinarily rare case of diphallus. (If I know my Latin, which I certainly dont, it seems like the correct word would be, diphalli. Or perhaps Im thinking of a fiery vindaloo dish I enjoyed on The Rajdhani Express years ago?)
I decided to get some cultural perspective on the problem, so I asked Minnisha what she thought about the situation.
I think two penises are two too many, she replied after briefly considering the proposition.
Almost every story has a moral, and the lesson to be learned from this tale is this: never seek an objective opinion of penises from a lesbian.
- 25 August 2006
- Sicilian [sic] Peasant [sic] Wine
- Annalee showed up with a five-liter bottle of Sicilian Peasant Wine that she bought from one of those ginormous warehouse places that sells things in massive quantities. A box of wine, imagine that!
Whats this? I asked.
Sicilian Peasant Wine, she replied, since when cant you read?
I dont think Sicilian peasants drink wine from boxes, I explained.
Dont worry, Annalee replied, youre not Sicilian at all, not quite a peasant, but you would drink shoe polish if it was eleven-percent alcohol.
I couldnt argue with her, and so, for once, I didnt. I can report that Sicilian [sic] Peasant [sic] Wine goes well with pesto pasta. Alls well that ends, well, with such a merry feast.
- 26 August 2006
- Pams Mellifluous Voice
- Ive known Pam for years, but tonight was the first time Ive seen her perform. Wow, what a smooth, dulcet voice!
You sounded fantastic! I enthused when I met her backstage. I dont think youd have any problem talking someone into killing themselves!
Pam gave me a quizzical look, smiled weakly, then turned to talk with another admirers. Some people just dont know how to accept a compliment.
- 27 August 2006
- Straining His Stool
- Kiliaen told me that the New York Times reported that Elvis Presley died, straining his stool. That sounds about right, given Presleys insatiable appetite for bowel-clogging pharmaceuticals and fatty foods (about which more later). Still, I couldnt find any reference to the Times obituary on the Internet.
Nevertheless, I believe the story is true; a British documentary made a similar reference to the bloated entertainers death. The broadcast investigated a death-row inmate in a Kentucky prison as well as his chosen method of execution. The convict requested that he be electrocuted on a custom-made toilet so that he could, die just like Elvis.
I dont care what anyone else says about the Brits; when it comes to journalism theyre both more accurate and entertaining than their American counterparts. Im certain that the British Broadcasting Corporation wouldnt have allowed the reference to Presleys gruesome demise if it wasnt verifiably true.
Finally, heres the recipe for the prisonersand perhaps Presleyslast meal, an Elvis favorite.
Ingredients: a large loaf of unsliced bread, half a kilo of bacon, a quarter kilo of butter, a large container of processed peanut butter, and a big jar of grape or redcurrant jam.
Coat the bread with butter, then put it in a hot oven for fifteen minutes. Slice the loaf down the middle, then fill with fried bacon, peanut butter and jam.
Serves one Elvis.
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©2006 David Glenn Rinehart