- 9 January 2009
- No. 1,310 (cartoon)
- I enjoyed our leisurely dinner.
You mistook endurance for hospitality.
- 10 January 2009
- Seven-Second Trip
- I read that it takes seven seconds for food to get from my mouth to my stomach. Thats exactly the kind of useless information I can appreciate.
I just ate a huge burrito. I was conscious of every gulp going down my gullet; even the largest bite took less than a second to swallow. Despite mustering all of my concentration, I couldnt feel the food making its way to my stomach at any speed. Maybe I dont have any significant nerves in my esophagus, or maybe Im just as oblivious to my alimentary canal as I am about most things.
Ill probably never consider the speed at which food travels down my throat again; such knowledge is pointless. I wish I knew why it takes days for new information to get from my eyes or ears to my brain; thats insight I could really use.
- 11 January 2009
- An Idiot with a Large Motorcycle
- Buzz just bought a huge motorcycle thats almost as large as some automobiles.
Why didnt you just get a cheap Korean motorcycle? I asked. Theyre faster, dependable, use less fuel, have more ...
Forget it, Buzz interrupted. Riding a Korean bike is like kissing your sister; its not bad until someone finds out you do it.
I was relieved to remember that Buzz doesnt have a sister, and that Buzz is still an idiot.
- 12 January 2009
- The Midwives of Invention
- I ignored Annies warning that I was about to make a big blunder.
Poor Annie doesnt understand that mistakes are a critical component of any creative pursuit. Good mistakes and bad mistakes are equally important parts of a balanced inventive diet.
Only the wrong survive. If necessity is the mother of invention, then errors are the midwives. Paternity remains in doubt, as usual.
- 13 January 2009
- Bicycle Pollution
- Wanda and Joel ran out of wine during my visit, so I offered to hop on my bicycle and get some more. Instead, Wanda insisted on driving her car because it generated less pollution.
I thought Wanda was joking, but she was atypically serious. She explained that industrial agriculture uses huge amounts of energy for fertilizer, production, and distribution. She calculated that the food Id need to provide energy for my wine ride would release more carbon into the atmosphere than her automobile.
I was happy to learn that I was doing my partperhaps more than my partto ruin the environment. I dislike being commended for being an exemplary person for merely riding a bicycle; Wandas data should put an end to such unwanted and unwarranted flattery.
- 14 January 2009
- Bad Fruit Idea
- Stephan just received his holiday present from his mother, a box of rotting pear pulp.
For reasons known only to women whove borne children, every December mothers are overcome by a powerful desire to ship fresh fruit to their distant offspring. When they do, fruit magnates ship their wares from a temperature-controlled warehouse in trucks that pass through every climate from the frozen mountain passes to the scorched desert.
By the time the fruit arrives, its been heated and chilled a number of times while bouncing around in a lorry for thousands of kilometers. Stephans gift was in worse shape than usual since it was shipped to the wrong address. The pears rotted in storage while the mistake was being rectified.
Stephan poured the pear paste on the compost heap. Then, like every other good son or daughter, called his mother to thank her for such a wonderful and thoughtful gift.
I told him he should tell his mother the truth, but he said it would be boorish to let her know that her gift ended up as marijuana fertilizer.