25 June 1996

Salamis (Marine and Industrial)

It's hard to make a bad pizza, but it can be done. I had such a pizza at an "Italian" restaurant on the banks of Loch Tavendale. My friends ordered a salami and mushroom pizza; it was inedible. I discovered the secret when, a few days later, I met a worker in the Salamis (Marine and Industrial) factory.

Evidently, Scottish "salamis" are made with "algal and marine byproducts" recovered from the chain lockers of the huge fleet of ships servicing the offshore oil industry. The mixture--glorified pond scum, really--is then mixed with a wretched blend of suet, lard, and Red Dye No. 5. That explains everything.

I wonder if marine and industrial salamis are ever mislabeled and sold as haggis? And if they are, would anyone notice?