It happens repeatedly.

It seems every time my friends fire rockets or shoot guns in San Francisco, some city employee tells us to behave more better. In Oakland, though, civic officials take a less restrictive approach to freedom of expression, and thus everyone had a lovely time.

Well, everyone except the woman who got really, really sick. My learned friends are still debating whether her unfortunate condition was brought on by alcohol, pregnancy, or perhaps a mild drug overdose.

The latest example of alleged artists to avoid is a singer who named herself “Jewel.” Having listened to nearly a minute of one of her wretched recordings, I think the basis for her popularity must be attributed to her conventionally attractive physical appearance, as revealed by a very modest amount of clothing. Or an immodest amount of clothing, depending on your semantic perspective.

I was amused by reports from a recent concert where she went off on a tirade against the people who were stupid enough to pay to see her lame performance. She ridiculed some for having too few teeth, she laughed at others for being too fat. My favorite part of the show, however, was when she admonished members of the audience to, “stop looking at my teeth and look at my breasts.”

Now that’s contemporary entertainment!

“I hate to speak in clichés,” I said before repeating an old cliché, “but the thing that will satisfy you will not be a thing.”

He rolled his eyes as if he’d heard it all before. He had, but it didn’t do any good. Clichés and lost people are generally a waste.

Men with tight ties face an increased risk of glaucoma. And, it turns out that doctors’ ties harbor all sorts of bugs and other sources of really nasty infections. The damning report, presented at the recent American Society for Microbiology conference, reminded me of all the incredible stains investigators find on hotel bedspreads. The less I know about microbes, the better.