That’s what I want you to think.

I solved the problem with a kilogram of cooking fat. After I coated each tube and bar with globs of lard, the chimes no longer chime. I’m sure there are some predicaments that can’t be remedied by gaffer tape and lard, but I can’t think of any at the moment.

“Good to hear from you,” Gomez said, “but I’m on my way to my cousin’s funeral and can’t talk now. Is there anything urgent?”

“Nothing that can’t wait,” I replied, “I’ll call back this weekend.”

And, when I do, I won’t mention the National Carcass Disposal Symposium.

I don’t care, in that I don’t pay attention to theological arguments. One believes or one doesn’t, and this one doesn’t.

The well-meaning officials at the Indian Council of Medical Research commissioned the Indian Institute of Technology to come up with a scientific methodology to measure erect penises.

“We had devised an automated system in which an image of the penis would be taken and the computer would interpret different dimensions,” explained project head Kharagpur Sujoy Guha.

Sadly, the computer modeling proved to be impractical if not unworkable. As a result, a simple tape measure was used to compile the statistics used in The Study on Proper Length and Breadth Specification For Condoms Based On Anthropometric Measurement.

The report concluded that “normal” condoms are too large for most Indian men. That may or may not be why statisticians anticipate that India will surpass China as the world’s most populous country within fifteen years.

Jamie Lee Jones, Jessica Rae Baribeau, and their fellow zombies were jailed for two days before city attorneys and police and Minneapolis city attorneys released them because of a lack of evidence.

Now, the zombies are suing city officials. I hope they win, then go on to eat the brains of Minneapolis bureaucrats (although ’twould appear someone beat them to it).

What a tragedy. Although I’m no fan of totalitarian states, I fondly remember the good, cheap vodka I enjoyed visiting the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.

The latest example of good intentions gone wrong is a small mural of a Hispanic man in the alcove of Taqueria Terriblo. Some people protested that the image of an hombre with a rifle and an oversized sombrero was an insulting stereotype, and demanded that the painting be replaced. Other equally well-intentioned denizens argued that the mural was protected by free speech, and thus sacrosanct.

Miguel Ortiz, the taqueria owner, deftly ended the endless arguments by putting up a steel gate in front of the painting. That placated the gun control lobby, since the gun-toting Mexican was now behind bars. The other offended parties couldn’t deface the image, and that satisfied the free speechers.

Sadly, this story doesn’t have a happy ending. Taqueria Terriblo’s burritos really are terrible.