- 11 December 2006
- No. 568 (cartoon)
- Where are we going? I’m worried about us.
There is no we; there is no us.
- 12 December 2006
- Drug-Free Arrogance
- Henri and I were talking about drugs when he asked me what antidepressants I used.
“I’ve never used prescription drugs,” I replied. “I hope to die without giving a dollar to the reprehensible pharmaceutical syndicates.”
“That’s your typical arrogance,” Henri shot back, “thinking you’re so precious and special that you don’t need antidepressants.”
“That’s not fair,” I argued. “After all, I’m no stranger to the antidepressant qualities of Rainier Ale.”
“Your hubris is beyond belief,” Henri protested.
“I suppose there’s something funny about a Parisian whining about haughtiness,” I responded, “but I can’t think of what that might be.”
Henri pouted until I popped the cork on a bottle of champagne, an antidepressant we could both enjoy.
- 13 December 2006
- Four Thousand Entries
- This is my four thousandth entry in this notebook of sorts. Four thousand, dang!
As I did on the thousandth, second thousandth, and third thousandth such milestones, I shall take today off to celebrate a meaningless big round number.
I smell Rainier Ale again!
- 14 December 2006
- Thief!
- I was buying vegetables at the local grocery store when I spotted a penny on a dusty corner of the checkout counter. I absent-mindedly put it in my pocket.
“That’s not yours,” the elderly man standing in line behind me announced in a large voice.
“Shhhh ...” I said with a wink and a laugh.
“Don’t you shush me,” the old man replied indignantly.
I decided to do what all good thieves do, and pretended that nothing unusual had transpired. I left the store one cent richer than I should have.
On the walk home, I thought about the old man’s argument, and realized he was right. Someone who takes a penny or a bajillion dollars is a thief. I continued to think about the philosophical arguments, but that only resulted in a headache.
I retrospect, I realize that my successful theft of a penny was a mistake. As long I was going to commit a successful crime, I should have swiped the trazillion dollars.
- 15 December 2006
- Cognomina Are Hilarious!
- I get by fairly well on my limited vocabulary; my simple life doesn’t call for a complex vocabulary. Despite my comfort with my ignorance, I occasionally learn a new word by accident.
Today’s new word is cognomen (plural: cognomina). This term is even even more useless than other esoterica in that it’s in Latin.
Cognomen roughly translates to “name known by,” it was originally the third name of a Roman naming practice.
So far, so boring; now here’s the good part. Cognomina are hilarious! Cicero means chickpea or garbanzo bean, and Caesar translates to hairy!
I like this new word. I come to praise the hirsute hombre, not to bury him!
[Stab!]
- 16 December 2006
- Fjuckbied!
- The poor Swedes. As if a lutefisk diet wasn’t enough degradation, the denizens of Fjuckby have also suffered the merciless ridicule of their village’s unfortunate name.
There’s a precedent for such a move dating back to the fifties. That’s when the village of Krakanger was eliminated, since it translated into English as, “vomit regret.”
Now here’s the funny bit: the Fjuckbians want to be known as Fjukebians! That should put an end to the juvenile humor!
The Krakanger name change apparently worked, since no one seems to know what Krakanger’s called now. As for the would-be Fjuckbians, though, ’twould appear they’re probably fjucked.
