You’re in trouble.

“I’m well on my way to enlightenment,” Duane announced in the middle of his third martini.

“Gin will do that to an hombre,” I agreed.

“That’s not what I was talking about,” Duane replied. “I’m getting stupider by the day; that’s the only sign of real wisdom.”

Maybe yes, maybe no; I didn’t argue. What we both soon discovered was that ordering a fifth martini was remarkably unwise, albeit for reasons that remain unclear.

I don’t like to vegetate on my laurels, and so I rarely mention that when I was born, I was the youngest person in the western hemisphere. Given that I came into this world at such a young age, I’m not surprised that I remember almost nothing.

I told Amanda that I’d love to be an evil genius in a place like that. Amanda shot down my dream in mid-flight by noting I was neither evil nor a genius; she suggested that “annoying subintellectual” was a much more accurate epithet.

I had to agree; I’ll never live in a Gothic penthouse.

Woog’s device is, of course, a mechanical contrivance, and thus, by definition, something with moving parts that breaks. For reasons that remain unclear to this very day, Woog ascertained from reports of damaged toothbrushes that women were using his gizmos as vibrators.

Let us be clear. Woog’s toothbrushes-cum-vibrators were not being used to soothe sore muscles or inflamed joints; these devices were repurposed to generate great smiles, albeit not through better dental hygiene.

Woog’s insights into theory versus practice led him to create an electronic vibrator, the Eroscillator. In one of the rare cases of truth in advertising, the Eroscillator was marketed as, “the science of pleasure.” The Eroscillator has long been superseded by more efficacious, modern devices such as the ubiquitous Hitachi Magic Wand. Ah, technology!

Toothbrushes, vibrators, computers, it’s all wonderful! After all, sometimes it takes more than one electronic device to create a great smile; ask any dentist.