You don’t even like me.

Maybe not, but I love you.

By the time Jackson died, he was more widely regarded as the prince of pedophiles who’d disfigured himself through a series of botched surgeries. He gave the children he slept with—platonically, he insisted—alcohol and called it Jesus juice; he explained that getting inebriated “was part of being a man.” And for reasons I’ve made a point of not investigating, Jackson referred to semen as duck butter.

“A lot of people think I’m a Michael Jackson impersonator,” Michael Jackson admitted. A lot of people were right.

The world’s most famous Michael Jackson impersonator will be remembered at the Iowa State Fair, where he’ll be depicted in a statue made of butter. I wonder if the Iowans will use cow butter and/or duck butter?

“You’re wasting your money if you’re trying to appeal to men,” I advised, “all the guys I know hate little black dresses.”

“They do?” she asked skeptically.

“Absolutely,” I replied. “Whenever I hear one of my friends talking about a woman in a little black dress, he’s usually making some sort of lascivious remark about how much he’d like to take it off.”

Antoinette went shopping anyway, and that’s fine. I ignore my friends’ advice and they ignore mine; that’s healthy.

Mullins shot the dog ten times, I’d think that would result in a quick demise. Authorities didn’t see it that way, and charged them with the felony crime of cruelty to animals.

“We’re talking about a six- or seven-week-old defenseless puppy,” explained sheriff’s deputy George Roberson, “that’s pretty heinous and sadistic.”

I’m not so sure. Every animal from an alligator to a zebra’s been transformed into a belt at some time. As for age, Canadians and Norwegians perennially club newborn seals to death, and a dozen stores and restaurants down the street sell veal, baby cow meat. Lewis and Mullins erred when they didn’t eat the puppy; wasting that much tender meat was a crime.

I’d be appalled if they killed a kitten for fur and/or fondue, but they didn’t. It’s always amusing to see how different people arrive at a hierarchy of life forms, especially how we venerate some mammals and eat others. But then, humans, like puppies, are always amusing. Too bad we don’t make good belts.

Her business strategy is seemingly simple: spot voids in the market then fill them. She noticed there were lots of social interaction sites on the Internet, but that they were all targeted at young people. And so, she raised millions and millions of dollars and created a network site targeted at middle-aged and older folks. What could go wrong?

Here’s what.

Almost no one will visit a site targeted at older people. That’s because no one under eighty who’s not wearing diapers will acknowledge that they’re old. No one visited her site, so she’s shutting it down.

Meanwhile, all the old people are spending all their time on the Internet trying to interact with young people, which greatly annoys the junior demographic. The pleasure of irritating whippersnappers is of the great things about getting old; my friend should capitalize on that in her next business venture. What could go wrong?

Before I could initiate the transfer, I had to acknowledge, “This application may contain material objectionable to those under seventeen.”

What aspect of beer might a teenager find objectionable? The best I could come up with might be Bières de Chimay. Those Belgians brew some delicious concoctions, but who can afford ten-dollar bottles of beer? Come to think of it, I do find that objectionable.

And speaking of disagreeable, iBeers Lite [sic] didn’t mention Rainier Ale, not even once. And thus, their free program is less than worthless, and objectionable to all ages.

Feh.