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Weak XXIV

11 June 2016

No. 6,003 (cartoon)

Your parents should have murdered you.

That’s why I killed them first.

12 June 2016

Better Wine Through Chemistry

Annalee invited me to join her on a visit to the Hafner Winery. The offer included free food and wine, so only an idiot would have declined. I may be an idiot, but I’m not a stupid idiot, so I gladly accepted.

I slipped away from the guided tour and spotted barrels of chemicals. I now know why Hafner wines have a hearty bouquet of sodium carbonate peroxyhydrate with subtle overtones of citric acid and a delicate tartaric acid aftertaste.

I don’t have a problem with the relatively harmless chemicals in wine; there are nastier ones in many things I eat and drink as well as in the air I breathe. I only have two problems with Hafner wines: they charge well over three dollars a bottle, and the tasting samples are ridiculously stingy. How am I supposed to know whether or not a certain wine is good without slurping at least half a liter?

13 June 2016

Miss Moose Jaw

Siera Bearchell, a twenty-three-year-old law student from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, won the Miss Universe Canada contest a couple of days ago.

That’s just ridiculous. Who came up with the Miss Universe Canada nonsense? Canada certainly isn’t the universe unless you’re a moose in Moose Jaw. As for the rest of the title, every single contestant and winner has come from earth, a relatively tiny speck in space, universally speaking. Again, complete rubbish.

I think Bearchell would make a fine Miss Hosehead. But, since that title doesn’t exist, I think she should be satisfied with Miss Moose Jaw, at least until the dubious contest isn’t limited to Canadian earthlings.

14 June 2016

Winecream

A few weeks ago I wrote, “Maybe I should concoct alcohol ice cream.” I procrastinated as usual, and Kiliaen reported that someone else created it first. He brought over a liter of Winecream, an abomination of ice cream and wine.

I found the sickly sweet goo unfit to eat, and, much to my surprise, Kiliaen agreed. He explained that he didn’t like it straight from the carton either. He said he only appreciated it when he made a vodka float. It was indeed a rather efficacious cocktail; the sight of the ice cream island slowly melting into a clear glass of frozen vodka proved to be visually stimulating as well.

Kiliaen warned that the experiment might have unanticipated and unpleasant side effects, which is why he also brought some Gyeondyo ice cream as an antidote.

Combining alcohol and with fat and sugar is a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist. After millennia of drinking fermented grapes, the greatest minds in history have been unable to improve on a simple glass of wine.

15 June 2016

Jean Cocteau’s Amazing Day

This is the fifteenth day of June, time to again observe Jean Cocteau’s Amazing Day. It’s a joyous time to savor his insight, “Stupidity is always amazing, no matter how used to it you become.”

I’m suffering from options paralysis when it comes to citing extraordinary examples of unbelievable stupidity. After all, this is a major election year. Instead of picking one egregious example, I’ll cite Frank Zappa’s corollary to Cocteau’s observation.

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

16 June 2016

Mark Zuckerberg is a Shape-shifting Alien Reptile

Everyone knew Richard Nixon was a crook when he protested, “I am not a crook.” Similarly, no one needed to look into Mark Zuckerberg’s beady little eyes to know he was lying when he denied that he was a shape-shifting alien reptile by saying, “I am not a lizard.”

17 June 2016

Black Boxite

The crew of the Deep Ocean Search has recovered the cockpit voice recorder, colloquially known as the black box, from the wreck of an EgyptAir jet that recently crashed into the Mediterranean. No one knows why the plane fell out of the sky, but it’s clearly a needless tragedy (as opposed to a needed tragedy.) Since engineers have found a material that can withstand explosions, fires, and crashes, why can’t they make the entire plane out of black boxite?

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©2016 David Glenn Rinehart