Frequently Asked Questions about David

The person, the programmes, the priorities, and more.

Why do you publish artists’ impressions of yourself instead of photographs?

Good question. My appearance is irrelevant, since I’ll be hiring the people you want to see to publicly represent me. Providing good entertainment value is one of my most popular campaign decrees. (My focus group reports tell me that not only do people want better entertainment from their monarch; they also do not want to Chuck’s inimitable profile on coins and stamps.)

Will you be asking for more money from the treasury to support your reign?

Absolutely not! In fact, the reign of King David will be entirely independent of the public purse. With income from endorsements, sponsorships, marketing tie-ins, merchandising, et cetera, there’s no need for public funding. In fact, by taking advantage of contemporary business practices, I’ll easily be able to afford to honour my campaign decree to buy everyone in the country tea or beer.

What will happen to the current members of the royal family?

They will continue to be members of the royal family, along with everyone else in England. My first campaign decree guarantees it!

Will other nationalities be allowed to be members of the royal family?

My Royal Advisory Board is studying the sale of temporary memberships in the royal family tourists. England has a long history of taking advantage of people from other countries, a practice that will continue under my rule ... but with an important difference: we’ll employ marketing, not force, to relieve so-called “foreigners” of their surplus funds.

Who serves on your Royal Advisory Board?

You might be surprised. We’re waiting to announce details until after we’ve investigated the legal ramifications of running against Chuck. Some members of our team are understandably squeamish about the possibility of being drawn and quartered.

There are conflicting reports of your relationship with the late Princess Diana. What’s the truth?

The truth is that I don’t comment on tawdry rumours. Even candidates for king are entitled to a reasonable degree of privacy.

Why do you refer to your opponent as “Chuck?”

I’m a friendly person; campaigning need not be confrontational. Following the five-F rule and keeping things on a first-name basis will allow Chuck and me to concentrate on the issues, not personalities.

What is “the five-F rule?”

My campaign is based on the five Fs: be fair, firm, facile, fun, and fantastic.

Will your reign be marked by political activism?

Yes and no. I’ll generally leave politics to the politicians, with a couple of notable exceptions. I will, from time to time, comment on the issues of the day, especially when the political debate is reduced to the level of farce. Second, when some loose cannon claims to be acting “on behalf of the crown,” I won’t hesitate to publicly correct the miscreant.

How can I support the David for King campaign?

You’ll find all the information on the Support David page.