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Weak XLII

15 October 2010

No. 6,666 (cartoon)

I’ve never met anyone like you.

Your luck just ran out.

16 October 2010

Catsitting Strategies

I’m not on my boat, and there’s a reason for that.

I’m in an apartment in Berkeley taking care of two fine cats; I’m good at that. For example, a less rigorous catsitter might occasionally count the cats to make sure they were all present. I, however, count the kitties’ eyes, tails, and legs, then divide by seven. Little touches like that differentiate me from less attentive puss minders.

17 October 2010

The Wladziu Valentino Liberace Museum

When the Liberace Museum’s doors close tonight, they’re not going to open again. After thirty-one years, the museum’s going out of business. I haven’t done any research, but I doubt any other pianist has a museum dedicated to his or her work, and that’s just as well.

The Liberace Museum was a stupid idea to begin with, but who am I to say? Liberace gleefully dismissed critics, most notably in his frequently-quoted letter. “Thank you for your very amusing review. After reading it, in fact, my brother George and I cried all the way to the bank.”

Liberace’s art was making money; that doesn’t translate well to a museum. Or perhaps I’m wrong. I could see The Museum of Greed and Wretched Excess being very popular. It might even have a Liberace wing!

18 October 2010

Catherine’s Work in Progress

I visited Catherine’s studio a week ago, and noted that one of her paintings had a “Work in Progress” sign taped to it. I’m glad she pointed that out; it looked done to me.

That’s why I like photography: I push the shutter release and I’m finished. I’m glad I don’t paint, draw, or sculpt; I don’t know how to finish a piece. Since I’m too lazy to learn new media, that’s a problem I’ll never have.

19 October 2010

Stewardesses

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. But, since stewardesses no longer exist, I suppose that may not be true.

For me, such considerations are irrelevant since I type with two fingers. I can’t type very fast, but I can type as fast as I think. And that’s not very fast at all.

20 October 2010

The Rutabaga, the Dolphin Suit, and the Mayonnaise

“What people are ashamed of usually makes a good story.”

I should take F. Scott Fitzgerald’s advice, but I’m too embarrassed to recount my most regretful—and thus most interesting—stories. Maybe I’ll change my mind some day and tell the dark and twisted tale of the rutabaga, the dolphin suit, and the mayonnaise. If I do, I’ll probably wait until everyone involved in the sordid fiasco is dead.

21 October 2010

The Taste of Rubidium or Yttrium

One cannot taste anything that saliva cannot dissolve. And so, no one has ever tasted rubidium or yttrium. With so many other tasty treats from aardvark milk to zebra cheese, that’s not much of a loss.

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©2010 David Glenn Rinehart