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Weak XVII

24 April 2011

No. 911 (cartoon)

I barely think; therefore, I’m bare.

You don’t think.

I’m bare, I think.

25 April 2011

Sheep Blood Bath

Deirdre called and asked what I did yesterday to celebrate Easter.

“I ignored it,” I replied.

“Are you washed in the blood of the lamb?” Deirdre asked.

“Nope,” I replied, “I just had a shower as usual.”

Mercifully, that was the end of our theological discussion.

Bathing in sheep blood just has to be bad hygiene.

26 April 2011

Not Enough Watts?

My brain runs on about twenty watts of electricity. My computer uses about twelve watts. I know very little about engineering, physics, biology, or anything else, but it would appear that when it comes to thinking, silicon is much more efficient than brain meat.

Or maybe not. Regardless of wattage, my computer is incapable of finishing this brief dissertation, and so am I.

27 April 2011

Abandoning the Search for Extraterrestrial Life

Times are hard all over, especially at the Search for Extraterrestrial Life Institute. (I have no idea why the endeavor’s acronym is SETI instead of SELI.) Funders just pulled the financial plug on the organization’s programs to identify and communicate with alien beings, and that’s too bad.

Running up a million-dollar intergalactic phone bill every year seems like a good investment. The program will have more than paid for itself when advanced life forms from Galgomecks or a similar neighborhood get here. Why, they’ll be able to demonstrate in the first day or two how to do something magnificent such as formulating Rainier Ale from nothing more than mining slurry and krill urine. With a very advanced knowledge of physics, it’s probably not that hard to make pizza from flotsam and jetsam, either.

But with the end of SETI, that’s not going to happen. Instead of a proper introduction, we humans aren’t going to know about extraterrestrial beings until some damn dirty space ape fires a ray gun at us, or chokes us with its slimy tentacles.

I’m not really upset at the end of the search for intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. Perhaps researchers might now use their resources to find some here on earth.

28 April 2011

Leprous Armadillos

It’s official: armadillos are responsible for around a third of leprosy cases in the United States. In fact, some twenty percent of armadillos are leprous.

“People should be discouraged from consuming armadillo flesh or handling it,” advises Dr. Richard W. Truman, the author of a new article on armadillos in The New England Journal of Medicine.

One shouldn’t mess with armadillos; that seems like a priori knowledge. One look should be enough to lead any sane person to stay away from the grotesque, prehistoric beasts. I know little about evolutionary science, but I can only imagine that leprosy striking down people who interact with armadillos must represent Darwinism in action.

29 April 2011

The Davidian Calendar

Everything I have to say about the Davidian Calendar I created is contained in the piece itself, which may be viewed on the Internet or downloaded as a PDF file.

Premise
The Gregorian Calendar has several problems: the months vary in length, the years vary in length, and the nomenclature is antiquated and flawed. The Davidian Calendar corrects these faults.

Years
The Davidian Calendar comprises thirteen twenty-eight day months.

The Unknown Days
The Davidian Calendar features three hundred and sixty-four days plus an unnamed nameless day, with two nameless days on leap years.

Naming Conventions
The thirteen months of the Davidian Calendar have numerical names, One through Thirteen. The days of the week have been shortened to one syllable: Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Fri.

Legacy References
The days of the Gregorian Calendar (except 25 December) are randomly assigned to the Davidian Calendar.

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©2011 David Glenn Rinehart