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Weak LII

24 December 2012

No. 831 (cartoon)

I’m awesome!

You’re drunk.

I’m awesome drunk!

25 December 2012

Poisoning Sante Klaas

Luka assured me that Father Christmas doesn’t exist; he maintains that it’s a matter of empirical evidence. When he was nine, his parents insisted that he leave milk and cookies for Sante Klaas by the fireplace. He was creeped out by the idea of some fat stranger coming into his house, so he added a liberal amount of cyanide to the milk. When his parents confirmed almost a year later that there was no Father Christmas, Luka knew why: he’d poisoned the obese intruder.

Luke always smiles maniacally and licks his lips when he recounts his only murder; he’s almost charmingly insane.

26 December 2012

Four-Kilogram Earrings

It only takes three kilograms of pressure to rip off a human ear. I’ve never thought about marketing, but I like the idea of making laughably pretentious four-kilogram earrings. I imagine some idiot paying a ridiculous amount of money for a monstrosity comprised of globs of gold, titanium, and precious stones, and then discovering that the earrings can’t be worn.

That’s art! And commerce too, I suppose. I’ll never bother to make a pair of four-kilogram earrings, but I look forward to hearing that someone else did.

27 December 2012

Fatal Urination Event

Urination is easy, and generally safe if you take precautions to avoid unforeseen consequences. A thirty-five-year old man learned this (or did he?) the hard way earlier this year. The man made his fatal urination mistake in Wilkinsburg, Pennsylvania, when he went to a second-story to relieve himself late at night. The man who happened to be walking underneath at the time expressed his displeasure with the golden shower by killing the urinator with a hail of bullets from his pistol.

Che Guevara, née Ernesto Guevara de la Serna, was luckier. Historians note that he urinated on a peasant’s vegetable stand from his hotel window, but didn’t get shot until much later.

28 December 2012

Gratuitous Photo of the Weak: Segment of the Original Internet c. 1969

I obtained a cast iron segment of the original Internet from a trusted, clandestine source who assured me of its impeccable provenance. I donated the piece to the Internet Archive; I have no use for anything that’s no longer functional.

29 December 2012

A Continually Probing Muscle

The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that’s attached at only one end. That’s why it spends its entire life looking for the right connection.

30 December 2012

Angel Tears

I licked the tears of an angel tonight. They tasted like cinnamon and sauerkraut.

31 December 2012

Seventeen Years of Codswallop

I’ve been writing this flapdoodle for exactly seventeen years today. If there’s a better artist’s notebook of sorts than this, I have yet to write it.

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©2012 David Glenn Rinehart