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Weak IV

22 January 2013

No. 8,637 (cartoon)

I’m semi-suicidal.

No one can semi-die.

Look around you.

23 January 2013

The Death of Two Buck Chuck

It had to happen one of these days, and it did. Sort of. I can no longer buy a bottle of Charles Shaw wine for $1.99 as I’ve done for over a decade. (I even did a piece about the adult beverage, Seventy-One Charles Shaw Wine Corks.) What a pity; I shall miss the bargain.

I discovered upon my return to San Francisco that a bottle of the tasty, fermented grape juice now costs $2.49. Sort of. And now, it’s time to explain the “sort of” equivocations. Adjusted for inflation, the adult beverage colloquially known as Two Buck Chuck is now priced at $1.95 in 2002 dollars. And it’s fifty cents cheaper in 2013 dollars than it was in New Mexico last week. That’s a bargain I can enjoy, and I am!

24 January 2013

Spineless Penes

Why doesn’t my penis have spines on it? That a question I’ve never considered before. But since it’s on the table, so to speak, I think it’s time to discuss something I’d never thought about addressing publicly before. And so, here’s the first and almost certainly last public writing about my penis.

Some seven million years, we humans went our separate genetic way from chimpanzees when we lost several hundred bits of DNA, including the instructions for males to grow more facial hair and spines on the penis. That development purportedly resulted in monogamous relationships, although the contemporary empirical evidence for that argument seems to be dubious at best.

And that’s quite enough about that, thank you very much.

25 January 2013

Rabbie Burns Night

Today is the twenty-fifth day of January, and that means it’s time to celebrate the birth of Robden of Solway Firth, the Scottish poet who famously described haggis as, “great chieftain o’ the puddin’-race.” Traditionally, Burns Night is celebrated with haggis, whisky, and readings of the bard’s archaic work.

That’s not going to happen tonight here in San Francisco, though: real haggis has been banned in the United States since 1989. That’s when federal bureaucrats outlawed the sale of sheep’s lung, a key ingredient in the dog’s breakfast that is haggis.

That’s too bad. Nevertheless, yummy whisky—even without sheep innards or crap poetry—never fails to please.

26 January 2013

Escape from Dilbertville

For reasons too complicated to explain, I found myself deep within the bowels of a large San Francisco hotel listening to a panel discussion on Internet marketing. The pundits used idiot-speak words like “productize” and phrases such as “cherish your ad space inventory.” I felt like I was inside a Dilbert comic strip, and was happy to escape.

27 January 2013

Ball of Digital Malarkey

“The first religion started when the first con man met the first fool.”

Mark Twain said that. Or did he? I’ve found this reference many times on the Internet, but always in the equivalent of a letter to the editor comment, as opposed to a more reputable source. My theory is that some idiot concocted the quote, and a legion of morons repeated it. I would not be surprised if I am a member of said legion.

It’s too bad that Samuel Langhorne Clemens died well before the Internet age; I’d love to hear his observations on this ball of digital malarkey.

28 January 2013

Gratuitous Photo of the Weak: Sasha Surveillance

Sasha’s spying on me from behind the curtain. She’s not very good at it; the grumpy kitty doesn’t know the meaning of “surreptitious” or “silhouette.”

29 January 2013

Beer Is Good, Again

Stephan is sick, he’s spewing vomit every which way. He asked me what do, but I had no idea. I never get sick in spite of all the beer I drink.

But wait, that’s wrong. I never get sick because of all the beer I drink.

Agence France-Presse reports that a new study concluded that beer contains humulone, which kills viruses. Skeptics point out that Sapporo Breweries sponsored the research, but what’s the point? If you can’t trust the huge corporation that provides your cheap beer, what institution can you trust?

Time magazine reports that beer reduces the risk dementia and heart disease, but who cares? Every bit of research shows that beer is good for you; who needs more data?

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©2013 David Glenn Rinehart