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An Artist’s Notebook of Sorts

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20 August 2014

gratuitous image

No. 7,518 (cartoon)

What do you do?

About what?

21 August 2014

Metaphorical Worms

The woman sitting next to me on the subway called a friend on her mobile phone to complain that we were, “packed like worms in a sardine can.” The carriage wasn’t that crowded; I think she was just spoiled and stupid. I was tempted to point out that the predicament she described was preferable to being packed like sardines in a can of worms, but, since that would have opened the proverbial can of metaphorical worms, I kept my mouth shut.

22 August 2014

Drunk with Affluenza

Jorge drinks too much; he drinks too much alcohol. I try not to judge other people’s behavior in general and their drinking in particular, but Jorge’s drinking is over the top, around the bend, down the slippery slope, and too many other clichéd analogies to mention.

When I asked Jorge what his liver had done to deserve such punishment, he denied he was an alcoholic before I even gently suggested that possibility. He explained that he never drank wine that cost less than fifty dollars a bottle, so he couldn’t have a drinking problem.

The situation’s even worse than I thought; he’s a drunk suffering from affluenza.

23 August 2014

Chinese English Majors Triumphant!

Chinese and United States military officials agree on this much: a Chinese fighter jet and an American anti-submarine plane recently made visual contact over the South China Sea. The Americans claimed the Chinese plane flew dangerously close—within twenty meters—of their aircraft, and that the Chinese pilot was showing off by making barrel rolls. I’m guess the fighter pilot had too much caffeine in his tea and/or had recently watched too many Bruce Lee movies, but that’s just idle conjecture.

Now here’s the great part from the news story I saw:

China’s Defense Ministry on Saturday acknowledged an encounter between a Chinese fighter jet and a U.S. Navy aircraft in recent days but rejected as “totally groundless” Pentagon assertions that the Chinese pilot conducted an aggressive midair intercept of the American plane.

Of course the American charges were, by definition, totally groundless: the planes were hundreds of kilometers from the nearest land. I noted that Yang Yujun, the Chinese flak, never suggested the protestation was, “totally airless.”

Well played! The Chinese English majors are beating the American English majors, but, as long as it’s only a war of words, who cares?

24 August 2014

(Not) The Big One

An earthquake quaked about fifty kilometers from here this morning. I know that this is truly true because the tremors woke me up. The quake destroyed six homes in a trailer park; why is that? I know the fire destroyed the trailers, but why do natural disasters always strike trailer parks? Tornadoes always strike mobile homes, as do thunderstorms, hurricanes, monsoons, et cetera, but earthquakes?! It’s almost enough to make me believe in a supreme being, one who really dislikes people who live in trailer parks.

I mentioned this curious correlation to Dr. Heckrotte, who provided what, in retrospect, is the obvious answer: there are no natural disasters; they’re all caused by trailer parks. This leaves open the question of why solutions are always obvious in retrospect but rarely in futurespect.

25 August 2014

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An Unwearable Shirt

I’m not slave to fashion; I’m really not. When it comes to shirts, I only seek two qualities. First, it has to be loose enough to allow for comfortable, unrestricted breathing. Second, clothing in general and shirts in particular should be free. Since my friends have too much of everything, their discarded clothing comprises most of my de facto wardrobe. My approach to functional attire served me well until recently, when Seymor gave me an unwearable shirt.

Theoretically, the shirt was perfect since it was comfortable, free, and even clean! Unfortunately, I found it impossible to wear a shirt with “I see dumb people” emblazoned across the front. One of the few things all of my friends have in common is that they’re smarter than me, so I could only wear the shirt whilst traveling. The problem is that some of the dumb people I meet in my travels would take umbrage, and those without adequate language skills might resort to communicating with fisticuffs.

I’d be happy to see one of my friends wearing this shirt, but, as I already noted, they already have too much of everything. I can’t think of anything to do with it except turn it inside out and use it as a pillowcase; for some reason no one’s ever given me one of those.

26 August 2014

Creative Sloth

Rodney says he needs a new camera and lens to make good photographs: the latest, most expensive Leica with the fastest, most expensive lens. I suggested that he didn’t need to spend twenty thousand dollars on a new camera, but he strongly disagreed. He noted that since it will take him a while to come up with that much money, he has a perfect excuse for being indolent for years. I had to admit that was an excellent strategy for avoiding work. I didn’t mention this, but it’s too bad that he devotes so much of his creativity to avoiding creative pursuits.

27 August 2014

Back on Earth!

I’m back on earth after another wild night that may or may not have happened. I don’t know if all the habañeros sent me to the other dimension yet again, but I certainly enjoyed the familiar trip. Sort of.

I get information there I just can’t get here; too bad it’s all useless. I know what contemporary kumquats are really up to, but no one will ever believe me. Until it’s too late, that is, which could be anytime now, much sooner than you’d think.


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©2014 David Glenn Rinehart

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