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Weak XIV

3 April 2015

No. 8,363 (cartoon)

I have a lot of suicidal friends.

You have that effect on people.

4 April 2015

Most People Are Other People

Oscar Wilde wrote, “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

I rather like that observation, but I’m reticent to repeat it since that may suggest I’m someone else. Nah, I’m me for better or for worse, depending on the usual variables. And anyway, I’m not passionate about quotations, I just find that it’s easier to recycle something that someone else said rather than come up with anything nominally original on a slow day like today.

5 April 2015

Jelly Bean Flavored Easter Grass

Someone left a bag of Easter grass in the Internet Archive’s kitchen. And not just any Easter grass, either, I’m talking about Jelly Bean Flavored Easter Grass.

Jelly Bean Flavored Easter Grass?!

First, the grass wasn’t grass at all, it was a glob of thin, semitranslucent strips of green plastic. The “grass” was inedible, and thus it technically couldn’t be called “flavored.” I suppose no one at the Easter grass factory could spell “scented.”

And why was it even called Easter grass? It appeared to be completely secular, but, since I’m agnostic, I’m not surprised that I failed to notice any holy aspects.

The most amazing thing about the Easter grass, though, was the marketing: the forty-gram bag of shredded plastic cost three dollars!

I photographed Jelly Bean Flavored Easter Grass on the Internet Archive’s real grass lawn. When I developed the film—just kidding!—the Jelly Bean Flavored Easter Grass appeared to glow. I wonder if it really was sacred Easter grass after all?

6 April 2015

Meals to Eat Over the Sink

Iris told me that Derek is suffering from a debilitating case of writer’s block. He hasn’t made any progress in the last two months on his recipe book, Meals to Eat Over the Sink. I wasn’t surprised; he’s crippled by the most common writing problem: he has nothing to say.

I hate to bifurcate between genders, but no woman will ever buy a copy of Meals to Eat Over the Sink. And no man will want it either, since knowing how to eat messy food is a priori knowledge for those of us of the stupider sex. Here are few universal recipes ...

Anything with Ketchup: Standing over the sink, take Anything, pour ketchup on it, then eat as quickly as possible before too much ketchup drips down the drain.

Anything with Out of the Can: Standing over the sink, eat Anything out of a can.

Anything Dipped in Mayonnaise: Standing over the sink, eat Anything dipped in mayonnaise.

And so on and so on, et cetera, et cetera ... there’s really nothing more to add.

Poor Derek: he’s not stuck; he’s sunk.

7 April 2015

The Reality Fairy

Isabella told me that she knew what my problem really is. Why does almost everyone tell me this, and why is every piece of worthless insight different?

“David,” she pronounced, “you need a visit from The Reality Fairy.”

“That sounds great!” I lied. “Do I get money under my pillow in the morning?”

“With an attitude like that you’ll never get anywhere,” she scolded me.

“You know what you need, Isabella?” I asked, then told her before she could reply. “You need a visit from The Surreality Fairy.”

She scowled the scowl of someone who spends too much time in reality. That’s her problem, not mine.

8 April 2015

My Father’s Ninety-fifth Birthday

Today would have been my late father’s ninety-fifth birthday, but it’s not since he’s late.

I loved my father, and will always remember his advice. “There are few problems that you can’t solve with a warm smile, genuine compassion, and a chainsaw.”

That turned out to be quite useless advice, but I will always love him nevertheless.

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©2015 David Glenn Rinehart