Last Weak  |  Index  |  Next Weak

Weak XLIX

3 December 2016

No. 5,839 (cartoon)

I have cancer, but it’s not terminal.

I’m so very sorry to hear that.

4 December 2016

Current Spouses

“This is my current husband, Ross.”

That’s how Nerissa introduced her partner at Miranda’s party tonight.

“Ignore her shtick,” Ross advised, “we’re both still on our starter spouse.”

That’s amore! Or lethargy. Or inertia. Or something like that.

5 December 2016

For the Person Who Has Everything

The misery from the alleged holidays continues.

“Lorenzo already has everything,” Portia lamented, “so I have no idea what to get him for Christmas.”

“Nothing” was the obvious answer. It was so obvious she must have already discounted it.

“How ’bout a huge warehouse in the middle of the desert to put all his junk in?” I proposed. “That way he won’t have to deal with all that crap.”

“That’s not a bad idea, I’m surprised you came up with it,” she replied. “I don’t have that kind of money, though.”

“In that case you should consider getting him a nice monogrammed butane lighter with which to burn everything,” I recommended.

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” she exclaimed. “He already has at least two of them.”

“Cheer up!” I suggested rather disingenuously, “This seasonal wretchedness will soon be over.”

Portia did not cheer up; she will suffer from the festival of torments for three more weeks. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

Molotov! L’chaim!

The überrodent with the ratty orange toupee announced that he was going to be merciless with criminals when he’s führer next month.

“I’m the new sheriff in town, and anyone who throws a mazeltov cocktail is going to end up in prison,” he warned menacingly.

The declaration wasn’t news to Stephano; he’d already heard it when he was at the synagogue a few days ago.

“What did your rabbi say about it?” I asked.

“Not much, just ‘Molotov! L’chaim!’” Stephano replied.

7 December 2016

The Meaning of Fear

Benedict’s son was doing crazy bike stunts when I arrived for lunch.

“I’m amazed Fenton still has all of his teeth and no broken limbs,” I said. “I looks like he doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear,’ or ‘good judgment’ for that matter.”

“If you’d seen his last report card,” Benedict replied, “you’d realize that he doesn’t know the meaning of lots of words.”

“Maybe you should introduce hin to ‘Darwin’ as well,” I suggested.

Fenton’s a good kid, but I’m nevertheless quite glad that I’m barren.

8 December 2016

Mad Trump Disease

Donald Trump claims to be half Scottish. The buffoon who put the vile in evile is such a wretched excuse for a human being that he can’t possibly be even half a percent Scottish. He’s using his alleged heritage as a pretext for lifting the 1971 ban on importing haggis.

I can see a man with Trump’s sophistication and taste dining on a boiled sheep’s stomach stuffed with the beast’s lungs, entrails, suet, and oatmeal, with his sycophantic toadies following suit. That’s certainly quite plausible, but it’s not the reason Trump wants the ban lifted.

Haggis has been illegal in the United States for decades because it’s linked to bovine spongiform encephalopathy, more commonly known as mad cow disease. Trump only tolerates spineless people, and if their brains are as spongy as his, so much the better.

The race to the bottom continues; hang on for a rough ride!

9 December 2016

Spooky Sexuality

Why are some people heterosexual, others homosexual, and others some variant on all or none of the above? Is it nature or nurture?

Nope, it’s ghosts. Mostly.

That’s the astonishing finding of a groundbreaking study by the Spiritual Science Research Foundation. Perhaps fifteen percent of people who prefer same-sex relationships do so because of physical or psychological causes. It’s not surprising that ghosts are the basis for everyone else’s choice given the data.

“About thirty percent of the world’s population is possessed by ghosts,” notes the report, Symptoms of Ghost Affecting or Possessing a Person. (Of course, a report can’t note anything, but I went with the sloppy wording since the document cited no authors or sources.)

The report recommends a combination of chanting, mudra, and nyas to avoid becoming a homosexual, but that advice is of no use to me. I want to know how I can be cured of being hopelessly heterosexual. As Woody Allen noted, “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

While I’m awaiting their next report to address that question, I need to read another Spiritual Science Research Foundation publication, Halloween Celebration Invites Demonic Possession, before November.

10 December 2016

The Truthiness about Glenn

John Glenn, the first person to orbit our planet, died recently. Whether he’s above or below the earth is anyone’s guess. If I had to choose, I’d put my money on, “none of the above.”

On one of the first manned space flights, Glenn took along his personal camera then dropped the film off at a drug store when he returned home. It’s a great story, but, when I went looking for additional details, it’s apparently not true. Maybe I’m thinking of Alan Shepard? I don’t know and I’m not going to find out; I’ve already wasted too much time on truthiness this year.

And speaking of truthiness, here’s a question I hear all the time: Since my name is David Glenn Rinehart, am I related to John Glenn?

Maybe yes, maybe no. Again, I’m not going to find out in order to savor life’s remaining mysteries.

Last Weak  |  Index  |  Next Weak
©2016 David Glenn Rinehart