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2 July 2017
No. 8,169 (cartoon)
You’re so beautiful that I can’t drink you off my mind.
You’re so corpulent that I can’t get you off my body.
3 July 2017
Better Off Dead
The characters in this picture are all fictitious. Anyone resembling them is better off dead.
That’s the warning at the beginning of I’ll Never Heil Again, a 1941 film featuring The Three Stooges. I should plagiarize that and use it to caution anyone who reads my alleged cartoons.
4 July 2017
Martian Pedophiliac Murderers
There isn’t a secret child-trafficking ring operating on Mars. No one on the red planet is having sex with children, then murdering them to get their bone marrow and other body parts.
Or are they?
“There are no humans on Mars,” claimed Guy Webster, a spokesperson for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
If there’s anything more unbelievable than a crime network shipping children over two hundred million kilometers to Mars, it’s that a government representative would deny it.
5 July 2017
Stay on the Scene
Sex is in the news again. It always has been since humans evolved, and it will be around after humans are gone. Today’s story involves sex and technology, specifically sex robots.
As with all alleged technological progress, the latest developments have lead ethicists, philosophers, and opportunists of every stripe and spot to contribute their convoluted opinions to the debate.
I discussed this technological evolution and biological devolution with Hubert; he likes the idea perhaps a bit too much. I also talked with a few of my female friends, and all three of them are unanimously in favor of sex robots. Toni supported her argument by noting that Hubert is a cretin.
The women said that they would never consider using a sex robot (I assume magic wands don’t count), but they feel it’s a great way to identify idiots and misogynists like Hubert who love orgasms and loathe intelligent woman. Anastasia suggested that if all the nincompoops only had sex with robots, such voluntary behavior might prove to be the first ethical form of eugenics.
Nah, the morons have always been with us and always will be. And the maxim that a fool and his money are soon parted remains true; just ask any sex robot.
6 July 2017
Waiting for the New Kilogram
Willy is upset because the kilogram is in trouble. Neither of us is very smart, so he had a hard time explaining what the problem is and I had a hard time understanding it. It goes something like this ...
The standard kilogram is based on the standard kilogram; that’s just symmetric logic. We’re having a kilogram crisis because identical “witness” cylinders are no longer identical. Some are gaining weight, some are losing weight, and no one knows why with any certainty.
Scientists at the General Conference on Weights and Measures decided to scrap the old definition of a kilogram and use a new one based on Planck’s constant. This is where things get stickier: they all can’t agree on the value of Planck’s constant.
Willy, who owns seven small grocery stores in the area, is dreading their decision since he’ll probably have to replace all of his scales and relabel everything in stock. Oh well, no one ever said scientific progress was cheap, simple, or easy.
7 July 2017
Ripped Apart by Hate and Rage
I just read the sad obituary of Billy Ray Sherman, a retired
West Virginia coal miner. Sheriffs found the reclusive alcoholic’s body when they went to his isolated trailer to deliver a warrant. The report said the bitter old man had been, “ripped apart by Hate and Rage.” I laughed at the hillbilly capitalization, then discovered that those were the names of his two emaciated Rottweiler dogs.
8 July 2017
No More News of the Weird
This is a dark day here in sunny Sans Frisco; I just learned that News of the Weird has come to an end after almost thirty years. There’s an almost infinite supply of weird news, but I’ll no longer be able to easily find it in Chuck Shepherd’s expertly curated and edited column, News of the Weird.
Thanks for everything, Chuck; I hate to see you go. Having lost my main source of material to plagiarize, it looks like I’ll have to go back to work.
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©2017 David Glenn Rinehart