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Weak XXIV

11 June 2021

No. 9,622 (cartoon)

You promised that you’d never lie to me.

You really thought I was telling the truth?!

12 June 2021

As Seen at Auschwitz!

When it comes to capital punishment each state’s lawmakers can decide how to execute prisoners. Any veterinarian in the country can send Fido into a peaceful, permanent sleep. I have no idea why prison admistraitors continue to test alternatives, but they do.

In Utah, the predictably conservative Mormons use an old-fashioned firing squad. Other states have experimented with lethal injection, but none of the combinations of drain cleaner, paint thinner, and gasoline they’ve concocted could be described as humane.

In Arizona, the politicians are suggesting a solution that worked for the Nazis: a hydrogen cyanide gas chamber. I wouldn’t be surprised if they put a brass plaque on the side, “As Seen at Auschwitz!” I’m no Nostradamus, but anyone who has been to Arizona and has an inkling of how these things work knows one of the first people they kill will be Jewish.

After decades of being unchallenged for the title of Worst State in the Union, I imaging the Mississippians are nervous about the serious competition from the dimwitted conspiracy theorists and Nazi admirers in Arizona.

13 June 2021

Seat Down

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on here.

I’d say that Willy has a problem, except that he doesn’t. That’s because Willy thinks his cat has a problem, but the cat doesn’t have a problem either. His kitty likes to drink water from the toilet bowl, and for a thirsty puss on a hot day that’s not a problem, that’s a solution.

The sensible grimalkin prefers the water in a toilet that’s just been flushed to the stale water in its bowl that’s been growing bacteria for days. That’s clearly the better option for a smart cat, but not for a not-so-smart human who views the feline world through anthropomorphic eyes.

Willy asked me to help him devise a system that would notify him when he forgot to put the toilet lid down after using it. He suggested some sort of sensor that would connect to the Internet and send alert messages to his phone, computer, watch, and car if the lid was up for more than ten minutes.

I interrupted him before he could describe what he might do with flashing lights and a fire alarm. I pooh-poohed his Rube Goldberg solutions and suggested that he tape a “Lid Down” note to the inside of the toilet cover.

He was visibly disappointed that I solved his alleged problems without spending hundreds of dollars on sophisticated electronics.

In the end, be bollixed things up by putting a “Seat Down” note on the toilet lid. The cat didn’t mind; she can still drink out of the toilet with the seat down, so I suppose it’s a win-win as the Californians say.

14 June 2021

High at the Time

I’m catsitting in Sacramento, California. The windows are open on a balmy night, so I had no choice but to hear the child next door scream and wail, “I waaant daaaa-deeeee!!!” I’m sure that’s an exact quote; she shrieked it dozens of times.

I can imagine why people reproduced a couple of centuries ago: you made babies so that the ones who survived would help with the crops and livestock, and the ones that lived longer would care for their parents in their dotage. Free labor makes sense.

But now?

Most people’s crops grow on a windowsill, and helping with animals means walking a dog or cleaning out a cat box. Last I heard having a couple of kids costs a million dollars; so much for free labor. And as for providing lifetime care? To be charitable, that’s not a safe bet.

So why do intelligent people make babies these days?

Fiona is one of my few friends who has a cogent explanation: “I was really high at the time.”

15 June 2021

Jean Cocteau’s Amazing Day

This is the fifteenth day of June, time to again observe Jean Cocteau’s Amazing Day. It’s a joyous celebration of his profound and timeless insight, “Stupidity is always amazing, no matter how used to it you become.”

Louie Gohmert, a Texas politician, is understandably opposed to plans to reduce climate change by burning less fossil fuel. After all, he represents the oil companies that produce gas and oil. Apparently he’s been looking into unusual alternative solutions that wouldn’t affect business in Texas, and asked a National Forest Service representative about them in a recent congressional hearing.

“And so, is there anything that the National Forest Service or BLM [Bureau of Land Management] can do to change the course of the moon’s orbit or the Earth’s orbit around the sun? Obviously, that would have profound effects on our climate.”

That’s not as stupid as it looks, it’s worse. The Texas School Board has banned mentioning certain things in public education, such as the undisputed fact that David Bowie of the Alamo fame (not the Fame fame David Bowie) was a slave trader. In addition, Galileo di Vincenzo Bonaiuti de’ Galilei has been edited out of Texas textbooks because he denied that the universe revolves around Texas.

Thanks, Louie, for today’s notebook entry: your Texas-sized stupidity is so exemplary that the previous paragraphs almost wrote themselves.

16 June 2021

Acme Nut Co.

I just solved one of the mysteries from my year in Coronarama exile in New Mexico. All the coyotes roaming the desert were chubby from gorging on almonds. Now here’s the rub: almonds don’t grow in the desert, so how did the mangy varmints get their nuts?

Anyone can find the answer at 220 20th Street in Sacramento, California; that’s the headquarters for the Acme Nut Company. (As anyone with even the faintest of knowledge about the definitive documentary work of Chuck Jones and Michael Maltese knows, coyotes are the Acme Corporation’s biggest customers.) Unfortunately, the showroom was closed, so I wasn’t able to confirm that they sold incendiary or exploding nuts. That doesn’t matter; I’m sure they must since they’re still in business.

17 June 2021

Unmasked

It started outside a grocery store in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I saw a photogenic, discarded Coronarama virus mask and thought about making a series of photographs of the pandemic trash.

Easy, right?

Exactly: too easy.

I’m guessing that dozens of other photographers are working on the same project, including two or three who might make better work than me.

And so last year’s trend continues: making a series of photographs that never make it past the first image.

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©2021 David Glenn Rinehart