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Weak XXIX

17 July 2021

No. 2,534 (cartoon)

What’s wrong with you?

Everything’s wrong with me.

There’s nothing wrong with you that death won’t cure.

18 July 2021

(No) Sex, Japanese Cardboard Stylee

Athletes competing at the upcoming Olympic farce in Japan won’t have sex. In theory, at least. And now I shall move on to practice.

Athletes went through, so to speak, almost half a million condoms during the last event. Japanese organizers are going to prevent that sort of thing from happening figuratively on their soil and literally on the athletes’ beds. Here’s how they hallucinate their plan on universal sexual repression will work.

Everyone in the Olympic ghetto will sleep on flimsy cardboard beds. The shoddy beds will collapse under the weight of two people. The only place sex is possible is on a bed, thus no one can possibly have sex. (Anyone who believes that probably also knows that babies come from storks.)

I’m sure the competitors will have a rewarding time; they can’t possibly be as stupid and unimaginative as their pathetically prudish and repressed would-be chaperones.

Let the games begin!

19 July 2021

The History of the Twenty-Eighth Century

Randall continues to slog away on his self-described “masterpiece,” The History of the Twenty-Eighth Century. He’s been working on it for over a decade, but admits that he’s barely halfway through.

I was intrigued by the “fact” that, by then, humans will no longer reproduce sexually; we won’t even have genitalia thanks to aggressive genetic engineering. That should solve a lot of problems.

I can’t understand what’s taking him so long to finish; there’s no fact-checking involved.

20 July 2021

Organic Vegan Steak Sauce

Rebecca sent me a photograph of a bottle of Simple Truth Organic Vegan Steak Sauce. We were both amazed that anyone would create and market a product free of any trace of animal bits to enhance the flavor of a chunk of meat. Had the merchandise not been advertised by a large grocery chain store, I would have assumed that it was a bad joke and/or an art piece.

I was reminded of Bloodthirsty Vegans, a musical ensemble with a name that was amusing for ten seconds or so.

21 July 2021

Free-range Worm Feces

Sonja is complaining about the worm excrement she just discovered in her salad bowl. She escalated her kvetching when I suggested that she may want to reconsider her organic diet. After all, I don’t whinge about all the pesticides, herbicides, and other toxic waste in my food.

Things got even worse when I pointed out that the worms were almost certainly free-range worms from good homes that had never been caged. That’s when I gave up on trying to console her.

There’s just no pleasing some people, and I’m afraid that Sonja’s one of ’em.

22 July 2021

Shrouded 1948 Airstream

I like my photo of a shrouded 1948 Airstream—the first year the iconic trailers were sold—but I also don’t like this photo because it reminds me of too many other good photos.

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©2021 David Glenn Rinehart