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Weak XLIII

22 October 2021

No. 5,696 (cartoon)

Life is a joke.

I don’t get it.

That’s the punch line.

23 October 2021

Generic Headstones

I found myself walking through Evergreen Cemetery this afternoon. No, that can’t be right: I couldn’t have found myself since I’ve known where I was since I was born.

“Evergreen” is a curious name for a boneyard. Every one of my mortician friends—all one of ’em—says the green phase of decomposition only lasts a few hours, even on a cold day. Let’s, see, where was I?

In the cemetery, of course. I spotted a couple of gravestones—or maybe they were headstones or tombstones—engraved simply “Father” and “Mother.” I wonder what the story is? Did their progeny choose them for their timeless simplicity? Or maybe they were saving money by not having them engraved with names and dates? Or perhaps they got them used? Maybe they’re stolen!

I left in a very good mood. I could walk out but the thousands of others in there never will.

24 October 2021

Lobster Taters

I bought Lobster brand potatoes today. Of course I did. Almost everything here in Maine has a lobster or a moose on it, and these were cheaper than the moose taters.

It may have been another case of false economy. They didn’t roast as well as their Idahoan brethren. Or sistren? Are potatoes gender neutral, gender fluid, or do they care?

Nico suggested that I make some sort of lobster and potato dish as the package suggests, but that’s just crazy talk. No one in Maine eats lobsters except for the gullible tourists.

25 October 2021

Our Freedom-Loving Friends in Saudi Arabia

Does Saudi Arabia have a government if it’s a kingdom with ten thousand princes? Beats me. In any case, the power(s) that be there are vilified by everyone—everyone who’s not on the payroll, that is—for whipping and/or torturing and/or beheading and/or otherwise rubbing out perceived enemies of the kingdom/state.

Mohammed bin Salman appears to be at the top of the food chain of ten thousand princes there. (I’m not going to ask how; that kind of question can lead to the aforementioned reprisals.) He has a quazillion dollars in his petty cash account, and has wisely spent some of it on good public relations. As a result, we get headlines like this: “Oil giant Saudi Arabia pledges ‘net zero’ greenhouse gas emissions by 2060.”

A cynic might note that it’s easy to make promises no one will remember in forty years, but I believe the potentate is serious about reducing carbon emissions. For example, when a Saudi death squad murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi—perhaps because he said some unflattering things about the rulers—they didn’t use a chain saw to dismember the writer. Nope, too many greenhouse gases from the gasoline engine. Instead, they used bone saws as is tradition with artisinal killers. (Oops, no they weren’t artisinal killers; the computer informs me it’s spelled art·is·anal.)

A cynic might suggest I’m saying such flattering things about the Saudi regime in the hope that some public relations flack might see fit to throw a few shekels my way, but I am above commenting on such banal conjecture.

26 October 2021

Partially Zero Lies

One of my first digital cameras promised “up to four hundred exposures” before the battery needed to be recharged. The traitorous contraption ran out of juice before I could even take a hundred photos, so the “up to” claim was technically true.

I was reminded of such misleading advertising when I saw a conventional gasoline-powered car with a “partial zero emission vehicle” sticker on it. I was impressed by the sophistry. Sure enough, the automobile wasn’t pumping carbon into the atmosphere or doing anything that would adversely affect the climate. That sounds laudable, but it’s really not: I spotted it in a grocery store parking lot.

What doesn’t have partial zero of almost anything? The marketing possibilities are endless ...

Chet’s Cheeseburgers with partially zero animal ingredients! Dota’s donuts with partially zero sugar and fat! Megatobacco cigarettes with partially zero carcinogens!

Better yet, perhaps I should try it myself: An Artist’s Notebook of Sorts, now with partially zero fiction!

27 October 2021

Klebsiella granulomatis

I love worthless attention-grabbing shock headlines written by people trying to sucker in more readers to increase advertising revenue. Here’s a recent one: “A ‘flesh eating’ STI causing ‘beefy red’ sores is becoming more common. Should Americans worry?” Mmmm, beefy red!

Hold it, there’s a sexually-transmitted infection that might affect Americans?! Dang, first Coronarama and now this!

I skipped the sensationalist bait and instead read a piece by a real writer. Bruce Y. Lee is so skillful with his craft that he told me everything I needed to know in the first sentence. “Typically, you want to keep anything labeled as ‘flesh-eating’ as far away from your genitals as possible.”

He had a lot more to say about Klebsiella granulomatis, but that’s all I wanted to hear.

28 October 2021

How Long Should One Live?

“I could live to be a hundred and ten—people do—but I don’t want to. I want to live as long as I can work.”

Josephine asked me what I thought about that nice quote from Jane Goodall, so I uncanned the answers I came up with decades ago.

Unlike Goodall, I want to live until I’m no longer alive. That sounds like a tautology, but only if you define life as the absence of death. I want to live until I have no more vitality, joy, or the myriad other things that make living more than merely existing.

I don’t disagree with what she said, but only because I work at nothing all day. That’s why I agree with Noel Coward, “Work is much more fun than fun.”

29 October 2021

Pink Flamingo in a Different Light

I made Pink Flamingo in collaboration with Jimmy Audubon. I normally never work with anyone else in order to have complete control over what I create, but in that case I figured it wouldn’t be a problem since he’d been dead for over a hundred and sixty years by then.

I figgered wrong, as is too often the case.

I just learned while skimming the headlines that Audubon was a despicable racist who owned, bought, and sold slaves. And let us not forget grave robber! It’s impossible to completely erase something from the Internet, so my naïve choice of an assistant on a forgettable piece won’t be forgotten.

The best rationale I have for not deleting it is that I believe it’s a mistake to judge work by the character of the person who created it, even someone as repugnant as Audubon.

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©2021 David Glenn Rinehart