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Weak XXVIII

9 July 2022

No. 300 (cartoon)

I can’t tell if you’re ridiculing me.

You certainly can’t.

10 July 2022

Getting High Works

I haven’t owned a car in over thirty years; I usually get from here to there on a bicycle. I can’t ignore the ominous reality of climate change, so I try to do my part. When I feel I’ve been spending too much time on my bike to do my share of affecting the environment, I hop on a jet to partially compensate by pumping a lot of carbon into the air.

I also like flying because I get so much done in an isolation chamber. When I’m wedged into a tiny seat with my computer ten kilometers above the earth, there’s nothing I can do except work. I become a different person with no distractions. Not better, just different.

I’m reminded of one of my favorite musicians who rents a small, empty apartment where he composes new work. I think it has a chair and a table and that’s about it. That sounds like a good way to be productive, but I prefer wandering aimlessly through the short attention span jungle back down here on my favorite planet.

11 July 2022

Mephistophelean Spermatozoa in the News

Kristina Karamo, who’s campaigning to be elected the secretary of state in Michigan, is widely regarded to be absolutely bonkers (in the negative sense). She’s one of the few candidates to unequivocally declare, “demonic possession is real.” Better yet, it’s sexually transmitted.

Hubba hubba!

I don’t know what all the hubbub’s about; everyone’s known this since at least 1991. That’s when the Red Hot Chili Peppers released the Blood Sugar Sex Magik album featuring the lyrics, “some demons in my semen.”

Karamo’s vague about how demonic possession is spread, but I assume that help’s on the way. I don’t find pornography interesting, but I do appreciate the pornographers’ business acumen. I’m guessing that in a few weeks Karamo will have watched several educational films that show exactly how the process works.

I’m not worried about Mephistophelean spermatozoa; I’m more concerned about demonstrable moronic possession. Crazed proselytizing crusaders like Karamo scare me.

12 July 2022

A Gorilla is Not a Flower

I can’t understand why anyone reads Shakespeare these days. A rose by any other name would not be a pygmy ridgeback gorilla; there’s no such creature. And anyway, a rose is not a mammal and a gorilla is not a flower.

13 July 2022

Love and PFAS

What’s the difference between love and PFAS?

PFAS are forever.

Yep; there’s a reason per-and polyfluoroalkyl substances are colloquially known as “forever chemicals.” They don’t break down; they don’t break up; they just don’t break.

Love and PFAS are always inside you, so spread the love and avoid nonstick pans.

14 July 2022

Don’t Leave the Womb

The epic Global Burden of Diseases study is out, and it’s a doozy of a whambammer. The researchers at the University of Washington in Seattle concluded that people under forty shouldn’t drink at all. Even though I likes me a tipple now and then, I agree, and not just because I’m older than that.

Everyone talks about zero population growth, and I can’t think of a better way to achieve that than to keep potential breeders sober for their first four decades. If we’re lucky we might even exterminate our parasitic species.

Meanwhile, back at the bar ...

“Our message is simple: young people should not drink, but older people may benefit from drinking small amounts,” concluded Emmanuela Gakidou, a professor at the University of Washington School of Medicine.

Again, I agree. A barrel of whisky is a large amount, and thus a liter of whisky is a relatively small amount. I have personal experience that such small amounts are indeed beneficial. But then the authors veer off into raving monster loony territory with, “If you care about your health, by far the best approach is not to drink at all.”

I have at least three obvious corollaries for the nincompoops what wrote that. “If you care about your health, by far the best approach is not to eat at all.” “If you care about your health, by far the best approach is not to breathe at all.” “If you care about your health, by far the best approach is not to leave the womb.”

This nonsense tires me. I’m out out of the womb and in my sixties, so I’m a-gonna pop a cork and take me a health break.

15 July 2022

Not Ant Proof

Battalions of ants have colonized Conrad’s apartment, and I’m not surprised. He keeps most of his food in his refrigerator and freezer except for some airtight containers on the counter. And yet, he’s still overrun by ants.

“But why?” you ask.

I’m glad you asked, because I’m going to ’splain it to you why right here and right now.

He labeled his cookie container, “Not Ant Proof [sic].” Unlike Conrad, ants aren’t stupid. Their best scouts can read well; the illiterate ones have the crap jobs, just like everywhere else. He may as well have written “Free Samples!” on the lid; the occupiers know exactly where to go for a sugary smorgasbord.

16 July 2022

The Jovial Reaper

Dr. Galleymore is high on drugs. I would be too if I had part of my lung cut out because of asbestos cancer. But that was yesterday, and this morning she called to say she’s doing well except for some strange occurrences in her hospital room.

She reported that she occasionally feels a gentle tap on her shoulder even though she’s alone in her room. And twice she felt someone—or some thing?—licking her feet underneath the sheet. She assumed it was a reaction to the powerful narcotics and painkillers she was on, but her doctor knew better.

The physician informed her that was just the jovial reaper having a little fun with her. That was actually great news since the jovial reaper just comes along from time to time to remind you to enjoy what little time you have left before his unwelcome brother comes by for the serious business.

Dr. Galleymore is indeed most fortunate to have such a wise doctor.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2022 David Glenn Rinehart