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Weak XVIII

30 April 2023

No. 5,262 (cartoon)

Do you detest me?

I can’t imagine detesting you ...

... when I loathe and despise you so much.

1 May 2023

Cameras and Violins Revisited

When I was talking about cameras and violins a few days ago I failed to mention a couple of points that are worth repeating. And now I can’t remember what they were.

2 May 2023

On Strike!

I see the writers’ strike began today, so I’m joining in.

Beats working!

3 May 2023

Strike Over!

I ended my strike as a writer today after my employer met all of my demands: fewer hours of work, less editing, a better snack buffet, and absinthe added to the open bar.

Huzzah!

Don’t let no one tell you no different: it pays to be self-unemployed! As Ralph Gibson said when he founded Lustrum Press, “Every horse’s ass used to tell me what to do, and now I’m the horse’s ass.”

(I clearly remember reading that decades ago; I’ve been quoting him ever since. Unfortunately, there’s no evidence that he ever said that. Perhaps my memory is concocting things again, or maybe it’s one of those old lines that never made it to the Internet.)

4 May 2023

Japanese Cooking

Annette has an ancient Panasonic toaster oven. It doesn’t work very well, but I like it because of the curious baking menu. (This was clearly intended for export; the temperatures are in Fahrenheit.)

450: Baked Potatoes
425: Frozen Dinners
400: Stuffed Mushrooms, Biscuits
350: Casseroles, Meat Loaf [sic], Cheese Puffs, Apple Crisp
300: Reheat Foods

I wonder who came up with the idea that some American might have stuffed mushrooms and biscuits or casseroles, meat loaf, cheese puffs, and apple crisp for dinner? Perhaps the Japanese idea of a typical American meal is as untethered from reality as ours is of theirs.

5 May 2023

Old Guys in the Park

As I was waiting for my man—as they say back east—in Washington Square, the first thing I noticed was that a lot of old guys were sitting on park benches. The second thing I noticed was that I was one of them.

I thought growing old would take longer; how funny!

6 May 2023

King Tampon

Today Prince Would-Be-Tampon was coronated King Tampon, Parasite of the British Aisles. The highlight of the extortionately expensive publicity stunt was when a press photographer with a very long telephoto lens captured an image of a tampon subtly sewn into the lining of the new king’s outfit.

To appreciate the romantic gesture, set the Wayback Machine for 17 December 1989. Prince Would-Be-Tampon was having phone sex with Camila Parker Bowels, a hussy who played her cards right, married him, and is now the new queen. He told her he’d like to be reincarnated as her tampon; that may have been the most plausible option at the time since they were both married to other people.

In a subsequent interview with the couple, King Tampon declared that the celebration of nepotism had been “a bloody good day.” Queen Bowels nodded and winked at the camera.

Americans are a pitiful lot, but at least we had the good sense to successfully rebel against the inbred royalist idiots.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart