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Weak XVIII

30 April 2024

No. 7,164 (cartoon)

They don’t call me a great artist for nothin’.

How much do you pay them?

1 May 2024

Another Dubious Achievement

I won thirty-five games of Monopoly in a row against Puter, Bezza, and Quazza—my three computer opponents—on my birthday this year. That was my longest streak in over thirty years, and I was fairly certain I’d never equal that again.

And so, it is with great pride and great embarrassment that I am reporting that I won forty-five games of Monopoly in a row yesterday. Sheesh ...

2 May 2024

Unwinnable Chess Games Revisited

Deirdre is complaining about Brett again. In other breaking news, the sun rose in the east.

“Hoo boy!” she exclaimed. “Dealing with all his whinging and bellyachin’ makes me feel like I’m in some kind of unwinnable two-dimensional chess game.”

Amazing!

I’m not talking about Deirdre and Brett’s perpetual woes; I’m marveling at the incomprehensible concept of a one-dimensional chess game. I wish I’d have thought of that when I made Five Unwinnable Chess Games. I’m now thinking about making it Six Unwinnable Chess Games.

I haven’t read any science fiction in decades, but I vaguely recall some sort of three-dimensional chess game played a century from now. That’s the beauty of being a writer; there’s no need to make something you imagine real.

Meanwhile, back in the land of two-dimensional chess, it just occurred to me that Deirdre has discovered a seventh unwinnable game. That’s the insight I needed; I’m leaving Five Unwinnable Chess Games alone.

3 May 2024

The Isolationist Society

Many months ago Rhonda institutionalized herself, sort of, when she founded the Isolationist Society. I asked her how many members it has, and she said she was, is, and will remain the only one.

I haven’t heard from her since then, so ’twould appear that the Isolationist Society is thriving.

4 May 2024

Vulture Dogs

Karachi’s last two dakhmas are barely serviceable. There just aren’t enough vultures to keep the Zoroastrian “towers of silence” functioning, but almost everyone knows that. But just in case you haven’t been keeping up with current affairs, I shall ’splain.

Parsi burial practices involve placing the recently deceased atop the towers where vultures and the elements reduce the corpse to dry bones after many months. Vulture populations are collapsing because they also dine on dead cows chock full o’ pain killers that are poisonous for the obligate birds.

What to do, what to do, what to do?

Glad you asked: bring in the bad dogs, that’s what.

The governor of South Dakota blew her fourteen-month-old puppy into a crimson meaty fog with her shotgun because it was ill-behaved. I know nothing about training dogs (except that that has to be a proven way to prevent recidivism), but I suggest that a more humane thing to do would have been to buy undesirable dogs one-way tickets to Karachi and let them live off human cadavers. Dogs savor crusty old vomit, and a meaty corpse would be even tastier.

That doesn’t help the vultures, but one crisis at a time. I suppose that there’s always the possibility of breeding a new species of dogs that live off human flesh, but, as Ted Kennedy always never said, “We’ll drive off that bridge when we come to it.”

5 May 2024

Every Day is Cinco de Mayo

Valentine’s Day is the day when you declare your amorous intentions, April Fools’ Day is the day when you act as silly as you want, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are the days when you honor your parents, Halloween is the day when you dress as you please, and Thanksgiving is the day when you express gratitude for all you have.

That’s just ridiculous; Americans are a pitiful lot. Those should be daily practices, not annual events.

And that brings us to Cinco de Mayo, the day when Americans gorge on tacos and burritos and flush ’em down with a river of beer and tequila.

I celebrate all of those things daily, and my only annual holiday is my birthday, which isn’t a holiday at all.

6 May 2024

Motionless Bathtub Spider (Diptych)

I made Five AM Shadow, Spider thirty-nine days ago, and today I killed it. Don’t worry; the spider’s fine at last report; I rubbed out the alleged art piece. I just got rid of the title that I never really liked and added a second image to (re)make Motionless Bathtub Spider (Diptych).

Ah, much better. I should probably edit myself more, but, in all probability, I probably won’t.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2024 David Glenn Rinehart