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24 December 2010

No. 2,700 (cartoon)

Did he attack you in anger?

He was rather merry at the time.

25 December 2010

Another Shitty Christmas

Catalonians have an extra guest at their models of the Jesus Hotel crèche. He’s el caganer, and he’s making a special contribution to the sacred scene by defecating there. Nice touch!

The Museu del Joguet de Catalunya has a large collection of the wily little shitters, the only permanent set of such models in the world. I wonder if the museum is open on Christmas day? That could be just the jolly antidote to the wretched festivities this time of year.

26 December 2010

Laird’s Alleged Applejack

I’m drinking Laird’s applejack, allegedly concocted at “America’s oldest family-run distillers” in Scobyville, New Jersey.

I know nothing about Scobyville; it sounds like one of those Jersey toxic waste towns. That would help explain why only thirty-five percent of the alleged applejack comes from apples; the remainder is “grain neutral spirits.”

That’s too bad; it didn’t used to be that way. Before the Americans made alcohol illegal in 1920, they drank lots of alcoholic cider and real applejack.

Molly Hatchet used an ax as a symbol of her fight to ban alcohol; hacking up saloons was a good marketing stunt. But what’s largely forgotten is this: she was equally adept at using her hatchet to chop down apple trees.

And then there’s Johnny Appleseed née Chapman. He wasn’t some lunatic planting apple orchards randomly, he was a real estate developer. Land with apples appealed to settlers with a taste for hard cider.

None of this rich history is reflect in Laird’s grain neutral spirits, alas.

27 December 2010

Not Worth Saying Again

Amelie called me some time before dawn to tell all about her latest romantic travails. I’d heard the stories before, of course, so I hung up the phone as soon as I could extricate myself from listening to her monologue. I’d almost gone to sleep again when she phoned again.

“I’m calling because there’s something I failed to tell you earlier that’s worth saying again,” she began.

“If it’s that important,” I replied, “then let me call you back when I’m fully awake after my coffee.”

I wish I could think that quickly all the time.

28 December 2010

Ignoring the Jimmy Stewart Museum

Lina told me she’d heard that the Jimmy Stewart Museum may soon close; she suggested that that topic would be more interesting to discuss than my recent report on the end of the Liberace Museum.

I declined her suggestion. Having recently caught myself repeatedly talking about per-capita drink consumption, I don’t want to end this insipid year by repeating myself again. And beside, Jimmy Stewart’s even less interesting than Wladziu Valentino Liberace.

29 December 2010

Desecration of a Venerated Object

The Egyptian practice of taking one’s favorite possessions to the life after death is alive and well in Montgomery Township, Pennsylvania. Bradley McCombs is neither alive nor well, having been killed in a car crash on Christmas. The teenager was to have been buried with his video game, but things almost didn’t turn out that way.

Jody Lynn Bennett swiped the electronic device from the deceased’s casket. He would have gotten away with his crime, except that he didn’t. Police arrested him, and charged him with, “theft, abuse of a corpse, and intentional desecration of a venerated object.”

Desecration of a venerated object?! The casket, the video game, or?

I have an acquaintance in England who’s the only living convicted grave robber there. I don’t support that sort of mischief, but at least I have a modicum of respect for his craft. At least he didn’t have to rely on an open casket for his plunder. I swear, kids these days ...

30 December 2010

Watch With Closed Eyes

After making two allegedly conceptual art pieces in a row to meet my self-imposed quota of a “serious” piece every month, I decided to end the year on a slightly more positive note by making a film.

It’s not really much of a film; it’s not really much of a film at all. The ingredients consist of a photograph of the moon, my logo, typography, a gaggle of sound clips, and no camera. I figured that I could get away with such a weak stunt by admonishing the audience, Watch With Closed Eyes.

My title and chicanery didn’t work. Everyone upon whom I’ve inflicted the piece opens their eyes, thus revealing my poorly executed deceit.

31 December 2010

Rolls of Honour

There’s not much to say about my ongoing Rolls of Honour piece that I haven’t already said since I began the programme in 2006. Except this: Rolls of Honour is more profitable—in the materialistic sense—than all of my other work combined. Ever.

I tip my dunce cap to my generous 2010 sponsors.

Amtrak 6674 (Emeryville-Davis)
Art Explosion
Atlantic Palace, Agadir, Morocco
Atlas Cafe
Bodega Bistro
Cafe Francisco
Developing Environments
Hotel Atlas Amadil Beach, Agadir
Hotel Utah
In-n-Out (Mill Valley)
Internet Archive
Jellyfish Gallery
Jet Blue 625 (BOS-SFO)
Lufthansa 126 (FRA-SFO)
Mario’s Bohemian Cigar Store
Mauresque Restaurant & Lounge, Agadir
My Canh
North Point Shopping Center
Petaluma Arts Center
Raw Fish
San Francisco Art Institute
San Francisco Museum of Modern [sic] Art
San Francisco Veterinary Specialists
Sir Francis Drake Hotel
Some Studio on Third Street
Southern Exposure
Stanford Court Hotel
StumbleUpon
Tilden Regional Park, Berkeley
Trader Joe’s
Vientian Cafe (Oakland)
Workspace Ltd.
Zaoh Restaurant

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©2010 David Glenn Rinehart