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Weak XIX

7 May 2012

No. 1,399 (cartoon)

The weirdest thing happened.

And then what happened?

8 May 2012

The Shrimp or the Twerp?

Brian and Annette’s courtship ended with a whimper Sunday morning. When she awoke, Annette told Brian that she felt funny, uncomfortable, and that things weren’t right. He replied that he felt the same, and that he agreed that they should stop sleeping together.

Annette explained she wasn’t talking about their romantic, er, formerly romantic relationship; she was suffering the ill effects of last night’s Pad Thai.

“I threw up not long after that,” she said, “and I’ll never know if it was the shrimp or the twerp.”

The end.

9 May 2012

A Kitten the Size of an Elephant

Imelda asked me whether a kitten the size of an elephant would still be a kitten.

“I’m not going to answer that,” I answered.

“Why not?” she replied.

“Because you’re going to disagree with whatever answer I give just so you can enjoy another of our stupid, interminable arguments,” I explained.

“No I won’t!”

“Yes you will!”

We went on to have a stupid, interminable argument about whether we were having a stupid, interminable argument.

10 May 2012

The Top .058519 Percent

Nora was researching some Internet twaddle on the Internet, and reported that my site, “is ranked 4,093,936 in the world, and may not be available to view for children.”

As my grandmother used to say, “How ’bout them apples?”

Given that this is already 2012, I assume that each of the seven billion people on the planet has his or own Internet site. And so, mine ranks in the top .058519 percent.

That prestige—along with three dollars—is almost guaranteed to get me a cup of coffee.

11 May 2012

Four-Twenty Redux

Iris read my 20 April notebook entry, and told me that I should also mention that all of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are broken. In the film, the time is always 4:20.

Cute.

12 May 2012

Happy Birthday, Yogi!

Today is Yogi Berra’s eighty-seventh birthday. In addition to his athletic prowess, he’s famous for his memorable quotes, including this one.

“I really didn’t say everything I said.”

Well, since he really didn’t say everything he said, that means I can plagiarize him with impunity, no? That’s what I’ve been doing all of my life; thanks and happy birthday, Yogi!

13 May 2012

Gratuitous Photo of the Weak: Sasha the Guard Cat

When I stay at Sasha’s place, I leave my cameras and computers scattered everywhere and never lock the door. Why bother? No one’s going to risk Sasha’s twenty claws of fury to steal a few gizmos.

14 May 2012

Puss Power

Bublik, a three-month-old kitten, is running for a seat in the Yekaterinburg, Russia, legislature. Ivan Kolotovkin, Bublik’s spokesperson and pet human, says the young cat—whose name means “bagel” in Russian—has a good chance of winning the election. But that’s what flacks always say.

Bublik was motivated by Hank, an eight-year-old Maine Coon cat who’s running as an independent for the senate in Virginia. We’ll know in November how well he did. Based on recent history, the courageous cats can only do better than dogs. Percy failed to get a seat on the senate in 2002, and in 2010 an even dumber, nominally human candidate for governor of Texas defeated Woodrow.

Puss power: what could go wrong?

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©2012 David Glenn Rinehart