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An Artist’s Notebook of Sorts

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13 August 2013

gratuitous image

No. 5,121 (cartoon)

I feel fat.

You are.

You feel ugly.

14 August 2013

Drinking Too Much

Sandra’s drinking too much. Normally I don’t judge other people’s behavior, but Sandra’s spending more and more time inebriated and less and less time on her creative work. That’s a pretty good working definition of drinking too much.

“There are more rewarding thing in life than being drunk,” I reminded her.

“I suppose so,” she replied, “but at least alcohol makes up for not having them.”

Oh dear.

15 August 2013

Barking Lions!

Chinese counterfeiters are at it again. A month ago journalists found that virtually all of the “antiquities” in the Jibaozhai Museum in Jizhou were fakes, and now there’s the wildlife park in Luohe, Henan province.

The owners of the dismal little zoo put dogs in the “African lions” as well as in the leopards’ cage. No pythons? No problem! They used sea cucumbers instead. I’ve read conflicting reports about whether the primates in the monkey cage were apes or the zookeeper’s children. And so on.

I think it’s great! There’s no place else in the world where you can see barking lions for only a few yuan.

16 August 2013

Death by Committee of Two

Randall and Rebecca are writing a comedy sketch together. Or, more accurately, they’re arguing about writing a comedy sketch. The question at hand: What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Randall maintained that the funniest answer is, “half a menstruating poodle.”

Rebecca insisted that “menstruating” ruined the joke because it didn’t add anything, showed a profound ignorance of decades of feminism, and, most importantly, just wasn’t funny.

Randall reiterated the case for “menstruating,” and Jill repeated her disparaging critique. They argued so vehemently and repetitively that after five minutes there was nothing funny, nothing funny at all, about a profusely bleeding poodle.

They abandoned both halves of the poodle and moved on mirthlessly. I thought that was pretty funny!

17 August 2013

What’s the Big Idea?

Sheila told me that she had a brilliant idea this morning. She went on at great length about what a marvelous, wonderful, and perhaps even stupendous thought it was.

“I never say this,” I interjected before immediately contradicting myself, “but skip the foreplay. What’s the big idea?”

“I can’t remember,” she replied. “I didn’t really like it and now I can’t even remember what it was.”

18 August 2013

Seventy Kilometers of Nerves

Sonja told me that I have over seventy kilometers of nerves in my skin. She added that there are over seven billion people on the planet. She maintains that’s why so many people get on other people’s nerves.

I was tempted to reply that people who spout useless statistics occasionally get on my nerves, but I didn’t. There’s nothing wrong with my relationship with Sonja that a couple of glasses of wine won’t obscure.

19 August 2013

gratuitous image

Gratuitous Photo of the Weak: Fatta a Mano

The local grocery store sells pizzas that are made, baked, frozen, and packaged in Italy, then shipped to San Francisco where they sell for four dollars. A four-dollar pizza all the way Italy, imagine that.

The package is in Italian, so I asked my Italian friend Dr. Lusardi what “Fatta a Mano” meant.

“It’s-a she means,” she replied in a ridiculously fake Italian accent, “that-a you gonna be-a the fatta mano if-a you eat-a the whole thing.”


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©2013 David Glenn Rinehart

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